Several people from this listserve have already offered some really
worthwhile suggestions.  While the best option would be for both your
parents to seek help in learning to deal with their anger, guilt, the
tensions and problems associated with caring for (or being) an individual
with progressing disabilities, if they have that initial distrust of
self-help groups, psychologists, counselors, etc., getting them to try these
options will be very difficult.  It may be especially difficult if the
suggestion comes from their child - no matter what your age.  Sometimes,
these types of suggestions need to come from someone whose knees they
haven't bandaged or whose tears they dried.  Does your Mom have a friend
whose opinion and objectivity she trusts?  Are your parents religious
people - maybe a priest, rabbi or reverend might be able to intercede and
coax them into trying counseling or even a local support group.

You too need support and counseling.  You also need to learn when and how to
intercede - whether it be emotional, physical or a legal/guardianship issue.
I'd bet you also have frustrations and possibly even some guilt and anger of
our own and these feelings must be addressed - and the sooner the better for
your own mental and physical health.  Just as your Mom needs to learn how to
be a caregiver, so too do you - even if only to care FOR the caregiver.

Your Dad's hallucinations and other cognitive difficulties need to be
addressed as well.  One question is whether his doctor knows the extent of
the problems.  Quite frankly, some people in this age group are embarrassed
by such things and therefore either don't mention them or downplay them to
the point where the doctor doesn't see a need to interfere medically.  These
could be disease-related or even drug-induced.  They could also be signs of
other problems that are now occurring concurrent with his PD.  Are you, in
any way, in contact with your Dad's prescribing neurologist?  Can you be -
even if only to make him aware of what you are seeing in the home?  If you
are not of legal age and, more importantly, listed as a family member the
doctor can discuss your Father's case with, the doctor may not be able to
talk to you directly.  In this case, try to get your parents to allow you to
go with them the next time your Dad has an appointment.  Then, either talk
to the doctor or write out your concerns and give them to the doctor.  If
you don't go to the clinic/doctor's office with them, send the doctor a
letter to be included with your Dad's chart.

If you'd like to talk off-line, I can be reached at [log in to unmask] or
at (312) 733-1893.

Jeanne Lee-Rosner
PDF-Chicago




----- Original Message -----
From: Linnea M Proverbs <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, March 04, 2000 10:30 PM
Subject: father


> This is pretty personal stuff and I don't know if I should be sharing
> this, but I figure you guys could help more than anyone else...
>
> My father has late-stage Parkinson's, at least I assume it is. He has
> dementia now and does a lot of things "normal" people wouldn't do. He has
> shook my mom, he has tried to pee on practically everything, along with
> hallucinations and more normal things with Parkinson's, like his muscles
> tensing on him where he can't walk and he has trouble forming what he
> wants to say into sentences. the problem is, I don't think my mom
> understands what the dementia is doing to him, and yells at him
> constantly, or at least she doesn't want to understand. i have tried
> explaining to her many times about how things are not really in his
> control, but I can't get through. She just says it is just so frustrating
> and puts on the poor me act, when it is my father who has Parkinson's! It
> hurts to see them like this, and I left the other day because I couldn't
> take the yeling any more. My mom told my dad tonight that it would be his
> fault if I left, when she is the one yelling! I told him in front of her
> it wasn't because of him...we have tried to get them to counseling, but my
> mom insists she doesn't need to go. I have quit activities at school to go
> to Parkinson's meetings with them, and she makes up excuses every week for
> that,too. I just don't know what to do, what can help make this better. i
> don't know what else to do and I can't stand being here-I don't sleep at
> all here because she is up yelling at him for everything he does, yelling
> at him when his legs freeze up and he can't move that "(he) isn't
> trying" We just really need any advice/support you can give us right
> now...
>