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CASLL-L  May 2000

CASLL-L May 2000

Subject:

Fw: Chicken joke, academic writing joke

From:

"Tania S. Smith" <[log in to unmask]>

Reply-To:

CASLL/Inkshed <[log in to unmask]>

Date:

Tue, 16 May 2000 13:44:22 -0400

Content-Type:

text/plain

Parts/Attachments:

Parts/Attachments

text/plain (181 lines)

As requested by several folks, here's the text of the joke.  At the end is another joke about academic research papers.

> >Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
> >>
> >> KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
> >>
> >> PLATO: For the greater good.
> >>
> >> ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
> >>
> >> KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.
> >>
> >> TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let
> >> it
> >> take.
> >>
> >> SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
> >> quite
> >> justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
> >>
> >> RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
> >>
> >> CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
> >>
> >> HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas..
> >>
> >> ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was
> >> threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
> >> significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required
> >> for
> >> the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering
> >> relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
> >> physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the
> >> Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its
> >> skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the
> >> chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall
> >> strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting
> >> convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens
> >> along
> >> with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation
> >> industry
> >> to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their
> >> personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them
> >> to
> >> synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of
> >> delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an
> >> enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry
> >> cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting,
> >> enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically
> >> based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified
> >> market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core
> >> values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business
> >> integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to
> >> become more successful.
> >>
> >> MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be
> >> free
> >> to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
> >>
> >> MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
> >> "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there
> >> was much rejoicing.
> >>
> >> FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
> >> chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
> >>
> >> RICHARD M NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
> >> chicken
> >> did NOT cross the road.
> >>
> >> MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares
> >> why?
> >>
> >> The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
> >>
> >> JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone
> >> ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around
> >> all
> >> over the place, anyway?"
> >>
> >> FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
> >> the
> >> road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
> >>
> >> BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will
> >> not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents,
> >> and balance your checkbook.
> >>
> >> OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
> >> Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we
> >> overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?
> >>
> >> DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
> >> selected
> >> in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
> >>
> >> EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath
> >> the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
> >>
> >> BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
> >>
> >> RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended
> >> it.
> >>
> >> ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
> >>
> >> COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
> >
> >
******************************************************************************
>
>    UNDERSTANDING AND WRITING SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH PAPERS
>
> The following list of phrases and their definitions might help
> you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine.
> These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working
> on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!
>
> "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.
>
> "A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.
>
> "WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE
>  QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get
>  it published.
>
> "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...  The
>  other results didn't make any sense.
>
> "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.
>
> "THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...  I might get
>  around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
>
> "IN MY EXPERIENCE"... once
>
> "IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice
>
> "IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice
>
> "IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.
>
> "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too.
>
> "CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong.
>
> "ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it.
>
> "A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE
>  FINDINGS"...  A wild guess.
>
> "A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were
>  obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
>
> "IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A
>  COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENA OCCURS"...  I don't
>  understand it.
>
> "AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand
>  it either.
>
> "THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND
>  TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Blotz did the
>  work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
>
> "A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally
>  useless topic selected by my committee.
>
> "IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION
>  IN THIS FIELD"...  I quit.
>

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