hi all

a major tenet of our [western] society is based on criticism
critical comparisons
keeping score

tracking our 'success' would be unthinkable
if it couldn't be in the context of
'compared to what? or whom?'

to my way of thinking
the critic's approach to life is a negative one

the critic always sees the bad first;
the good, if it even exists,
is of minimal importance

from college days onward,
i have been a 'professional' critic,
in visual terms at least

when i worked as an interior designer
doing office renovations and construction in bermuda
the final "to-be-fixed-or-finished" list for the general contractor
was called a 'punch list'

the joke was that if the punch list items weren't completed on time
the designer got to punch out the contractor!

not-so-subtle reinforcement of the comparison poison of
'i am right and you are wrong'

if i go into a new [to me] room/house/office/whatever
my eye does an automatic quick scan
and will zero in on 'flaws'
first

looking at a design job from that point of view
is constructive
[it can be a way to make a living]

looking at life from that point of view
is destructive
[it can be a way to make a living sour]

as a society
we are brain-washed or rather brain-stained
into wearing what-is-wrong-with-this-picture lenses
which diminish the positives and emphasize the negatives

i consider this
as demoralizing and potentially as dangerous on a societal level
as any clinically diagnosed depression is on an individual level

personally, professionally,
my own lenses have been re-fined and re-ground
so that the negatives jump out front with a re-flective glow
and the positives re-cede into the shadows

in 1990
i quit the design business
[20 yrs experience, ex-president of the b.s.i.d., been there done that]
to start up my own company which was called Sterling
and which sold contract furnishings to designers

iow, i started selling furniture to my buddies
for their interior design projects

by 1993
Sterling was wildly successful
to the point where i was in way over my head, sinking fast,
and found no help when i [felt that i] needed it

clinical depression moved in to gum up the works

a succession of unsuitable partners and unfortunate circumstances
turned into a roller-coaster ride of
hope and work and loss and despair

an example:
my accountants bought into Sterling for a time;
as diligent accountants they felt they had to consider
all possible outcomes of the risk they [we] were taking

which boiled down to
99% of their energy being devoted to
painting one worst case scenario after another

all of which 'wisdom' i absorbed avidly
because i didn't know any better at the time

so my roller-coaster metaphor
then transformed into the merry-go-round-from-hell

thoughts created emotions
the emotions created actions
the actions re-created the thoughts

the 'self-fulfilling prophecy'
is

and the merry-go-round started boring its own hole-in-the-ground

Sterling
symbolised
all my worldly goods
all my social identity and reputation
all my professional identity and reputation
in my mind
and in my thoughts

by 1997
after fighting for four years
i had to release it into the vapours of bankruptcy land

it was not going to work
no matter how hard or how long i tried
and, in retrospect, maybe because i thought:
'partner x 'should' not have been so immature'
'supplier y 'should' have been more helpful'
'investor z 'should' not have reneged'
'i 'should' have been more assertive'

all those sour stubborn thoughts kept trying to hop back on
but i managed to find a chink in their armour
with help from a 'shrink' and prozac
[and a minor revelation]
and whittled away at them
till both the thoughts and their armour dissolved into dust

if i look on the world as a threatening and unfair place
i feel defensive and wary
and
i am attracted to others who share my viewpoint
and
we behave towards each other and the world
in ways that reinforce that viewpoint
and
i see 'hurts' done to me
that 'should not' have been done; which were 'unfair'
and
i cling to the resentment underneath as justification for my actions
which are fixed on 'punishing' those who 'hurt' me
and
i am on the not-so-merry-go-round again

if i see the actions of others
as hurts deserving of punishment
or
if i see the actions of others
as errors needing to be corrected
[aka as goof-ups]

i must see my own actions in the same way

punishment is unforgiving
punishment is retribution

correction is forgiving
correction is compassionate

goof-ups are human

i have a choice
in how i see me
in how i see the world
in which pair of glasses i am going to wear
in which reality i am going to perceive and thus create for myself

i even have a choice
despite four layers of obstacles:
1. our western societal brainwashing
2. my 'ultimate critic' training
3. my genetic tendency to cd
4. my pd tendency to cd

just one of those factors
would be enough to cause grimy lenses in any one of us

60 mgs of prozac per day is own my 'store-bought' brand of windex
the elbow grease comes inside every body-bag no charge


janet


ps
picture this
a bunch of parkies stumbling around
covered top-to-toe in 'body-suits' like kids' snowsuits
with virtual reality headgear/visors clamped onto their heads
and snapped in front of their eyes using stereotactic frames
wandering through cyber-space
'janet, is that you?'

pps
now hum this
'you've got to
accent-uate the positive
elim-inate the negative
latch on to the affirmative
don't mess with mr-in-between'

ppps
i am still working on it, but in general,
i can now look back on that 'Sterling period'
and my partners and my accountants and even me
with some understanding and compassion

we all did what we could with what we had at the time
we learned what we were ready to from the experience
i would not be me now without it

janet paterson
53 now / 41 dx pd / 37 onset pd / 44 dx cd / 43 onset cd
tel: 613 256 8340 url: "http://www.geocities.com/janet313/"
email: "[log in to unmask]" smail: PO Box 171 Almonte Ontario K0A 1A0 Canada