(some details changed to preserve privacy)

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Date: Mon, 24 Jul 2000 19:43:17 -0400
To:   anon
From: janet
Subj: Re: gonna tell you a story
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At 14:45 2000/07/24 -0700, you wrote:
>about a strange person that you know.

strange in your visored view
but hurting in mine

i recognise the pain and the fog only too well
i've been through something like it

[although for some reason i've avoided active thoughts of suicide
but the concept of passive suicide while new to me resonates with truth]

my ex-husband [a very brief marriage mistake in 1991] was in it for life
i deduced after the fact that my mother's final 10 years were mired in it
my oldest sister spent at least 10 years in it

i have shared tales and tears with at least 15 other list members
or their loved ones about it separate from the list

>when i was 30, i went into a brief, deep depression.
>no reason, ...

there was a reason
you just haven't uncovered it yet

>except that i kept thinking
>that all the good people had already died.
>abe lincoln,
>albert einstein,
>issac newton....

all people you admired?
all brilliant thinkers?

>all gone
>round and round in my head.
>i foretold my own death
>at age 53
>i could see it clearly...
>my GP suggested that i see a shrink.
>that suggestion cleared it up immediately...

nope
just squished it down deeper so it could fester more quietly

seeing a shrink = admitting 'mental illness'?
your intellect is your greatest proudest possession?
loss of it is your greatest terror?

>until i reached my 53rd birthday.
>then, i had reached my time to die
>so i went to my current dr., who
>did something quite intelligent
>he sent me to a series of clinical tests
>and, after each test, he had the examining dr.
>tell me exactly where i stood
>statistically, in the mortality list
>it worked...

in essence, this is a bit like cognitive therapy,
dispelling the distorted fearful thinking with cold hard facts,
dragging the evil wizard of oz out from behind the curtain of illusions

>my next episode occurred before my pd diagnosis,
>... diagnosis of parkinsons was a great relief to me
>now, there was a name for my demon....

natural cause, that
and a very common and normal reaction to the fact of the initial dianosis
i was terrified that i had m.s.

>my depression lifted, substantially
>and i could function again,
>with meds, of course
>no denial there.
>acceptance of pd was the lesser of several evils...

so accepting a diagnosis
of long term tendency to clinical depression
[comprised of at least 3 major episodes]
is an evil?

why can't a diagnosis of cd
be as much or more of a relief than one of pd?

cd is curable
pd is not

they both indicate a brain chemistry imbalance
not a weakness of character
nor a mental deficiency

>that was over 2 years ago and now i am at another crossroads
>my cognitive problems are getting severe enough that
>i am thinking about giving up my job.
>i don't want to embarrass myself.
>better to leave early.
>pride...

your cognitive problems might very well be
partly a self fulfilling prophecy based on cd's twisted thinking
dwell on your biggest fear long enough and thoroughly enough
and you enable it to happen
viz my downward spiral with the accountants and sterling

you've said that you have pinpointed two periods a day
where your confusion is noticably increased

does it not sound logical that those specific periods
must be due to med intake
rather than just being a general symptom of bio-chemical degeneration?
what is your daily med schedule?

>i'm still better equipped to think through problems than my colleagues.
>they depend upon me for new ideas and to direct them technically...

so the hard and practical facts are
so far your fears about true cognitive decline are groundless

>so why do i get so despondent? ...

you goof
that's like asking so why can't i walk right?
it's because you have a chemical imbalance that needs correcting
that's why

>makes no sense ...

nope it can't make any sense to you while your braincells
are mired in the slime pit

but
it makes all kinds of sense to me

i feel like i am watching someone who is temporarily colour blind
driving around town guessing as to which lights are red and which are green

what do i do?
grab the steering wheel from you?
hustle you off to a vision specialist?
let you keep driving around and hope it'll go away on its own?
[which it won't - three episodes over thirty years tells me that]

>but i guess that it doesn't have to ...

nope, see the above

>it just is ...

nope, see the above

>and i will deal with it ...

yep, see the above

>with a litttttle help
>from my friends ...

yep, see the above

>thanks, friend
>for listening to me.
>no one else round here does ...

i ache for you and your glum
i wish i could hug and squeeze it out of you
but the next best thing i can do is to tell you
that i KNOW you don't have to feel the way you do
that i KNOW you can be as perky as this parky is now but didn't used to be
if you're scared of going to a head-doc
i'll go with you
here
take my hand
friend

jm


janet paterson
53 now / 41 dx pd / 37 onset pd / 44 dx cd / 43 onset cd
tel: 613 256 8340 url: "http://www.geocities.com/janet313/"
email: "[log in to unmask]" smail: PO Box 171 Almonte Ontario K0A 1A0 Canada