Do you commonly find yourself calling your children by
   the wrong name, and feel like kicking yourself for
spending
   so much time selecting just the right name for each
child?

   Do you find yourself saying to your child, "Sure, I
   know where you left your cookie. It's on the long white
   horizontal surface in the kitchen...you know, the one
with
   the thing we cook with on one end and the thing we put
stuff
   in to keep it cold on the other end? Um...there's a sink
   in it?"

   Do you tell people on the phone that you'll be happy to
   take a message, just as soon as you find a
"message-writing-down
   thingamabob?"

   In fact, do all the nouns in your vocabulary, nouns
   which have been your friends and companions since
   you were two years old, suddenly become "thingies"
   when you are under pressure? You may be suffering
   from Deficient noun disease.

   Deficient noun disease, or DND, is a common affliction
   among mothers of small children (older children too).
   While not a dangerous illness, DND is an exasperating
   and frustrating one which increases in severity in direct
   proportion to the number of children in the household.

   Common symptoms of DND include the following: Calling
   children by each other's names, forgetting the proper
   names for common household objects, and casually
   referring to other adults not as "John and Jane" but as
   "those people with the pool who barbecue every Friday."

   Another common symptom is the frequent use of the
   WRONG noun in a given situation, rather like mild
   aphasia. Someone with this particular type of DND might
   say, "Put your plate on the stove...I mean on the
counter...
   I mean ON THE TABLE!"

   A less common symptom displayed by some DND sufferers is
an
   ailment also referred to as the "Crossword" Syndrome.
With
   this particular type of DND-related illness, the affected
   person might declare, "Oh, yes, I know her name. Let's
see...
   it starts with an "S", has five letters...."

   DND, although virtually untreatable and incurable, can
still be
   endured with a minimum of pain and embarrassment if the
afflicted
   person makes use of the following handy coping
mechanisms.

   One method of coping with the disease involves the clever
use of
   nicknames, which can easily apply to any individual in
the family,
   like "Dear" or "Sweetheart". This method breaks down when
the DND
   sufferer is faced with the necessity of differentiating
between
   individuals, or when she is talking to several people at
one time,
   so the use of group nicknames, like referring to everyone
in the
   room as "Y'all", a common Southern coping mechanism, is
recommended.

   Another good way to conceal DND from your friends and
family members
   is to develop the habit of pausing in your sentences when
reaching a
   crucial noun. If the pause is long enough, the other
individual will
   attempt to guess the noun for you, and you need only
respond in the
   affirmative when the correct noun is reached. Although
this method
   may take time, it certainly adds suspense to an otherwise
ordinary
   conversation.

   The information available on DND is still patchy and
incomplete, due
   to the unnecessary shame felt by many mothers who do not
realize that
   this illness is wide-spread and quite common. Very few
mothers are able
   to call their children by name, and it is difficult for
them to believe
   that the time invested in picking out those names was, to
put it bluntly,
   wasted.

   When education has removed the stigma from the minds of
all women, this
   disease might very well be shown to be the most common
affliction in
   human history.

   The cause of DND is not yet known; some scientists
believe that using a
   word over 100,000 times in the course of a lifetime may
simply fade that
   word from long-term memory; mothers simply reach the
lifetime limit
earlier
   because they must repeat themselves so often. Other
scientists hold up
the
   two-year old child as proof positive that the repetition
of a word more
   than 100,000 times (in this case, the word, "Mommy,")
does not cause
   selective noun amnesia.

   Although modern science may never be able to cure DND or
discover what
   exactly causes it, we as mothers and fellow sufferers can
still help one
   another to recognize the illness and learn to live in
harmony with it.

   The next time you hear yourself shouting,
"CLAUDIA-CODY-BETSY-LOGAN-JILL,
   YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! GET IN HERE!," you can comfort
yourself with the
   knowledge that mothers all over the world are doing the
same thing.