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Author: toad aka puppet
Topic:  Toad's not having surgery, YET!
Date:   2001/03/13
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This is by far the hardest letter I’ve written. I went
for my pre-op visit today & found out my surgery is
NOT on the schedule. My surgeon, in whom I still love
& respect, will call me in April to set up a time to
talk again. He assures me that I’ll be fixed up before
the fall hunting season. However, I’ve just got blown
out of spring turkey season. It gets worse.

After much review, I’m apparently a borderline
candidate for a full DBS. If he operated today, he
would probably go with the replacement on the thalamic
stimulator. Also, I’m borderline for a bilateral
surgery. He’s not sure now if he will do the other
side, which was to help my walking, balance, rigidity,
ETC, at this time. While I don’t have a clue how we
got from a pre-op for a bilateral DBS to a, “I’ll call
                   you about a single thalamic stimulator implant,” but I
                   do know this is my DR. & I told him today to follow
                   his instincts. He is smart, but most of all I trust
                   him. I not only trust him when things are going my
                   way, but also when things look bleak. Measure twice &
                   cut once applies here.

                   This is a terrible ordeal. Awhile back, a friend’s DBS
                   got delayed. I told her that maybe God knew the
                   surgeon would be having a better day after the delay.
                   Maybe one of these days I’ll learn to keep my mouth
                   shut. Maybe God is answering a prayer, & I feel He’s
                   giving the wrong answer, at least not the answer I
                   thought was right. I know that after seven surgeries,
                   this is the first time this surgeon has backed up. If
                   you could have seen the pain in face, you’d know it
                   hurt him to give me the news. Oh well, enough of that.

                   After I got back from the Drs. office I came home &
                   told Shannon to call Nanny with the news. I also told
                   her to hold all calls, as I didn’t want to talk to
                   anyone. I came in the bedroom, checked my email & did
                   part of this letter. Then I lay across the bed in a
                   not too happy mood. After a while my bedroom door
                   opened & someone walked in. I lay there with my eyes
                   closed as Nanny came in & lay by my side. I opened my
                   eyes & asked her what she was doing home from work &
                   she replied, “You need me.”

                   I just lay there while many emotions ran rampant
                   through my mind. Nanny looked at me & said, “You know
                   what’s good about this? I’ve got wide shoulders,” & so
                   she does. She was right. I needed her. So we lay there
                   with her arm across me till I went to sleep. This was
                   better than sex, food, or a big paycheck. It was what
                   God created woman for. To be man’s completion. To
                   share her strength when he is weak. Showing loyal
                   support & spiritual guidance when he can’t see past
                   his own despair. The soft gently kiss I received as
                   she caressed my head was a soothing balm to my soul.
                   At that moment I was as an infant seeking security in
                   a mother’s arms where naught of the world could harm
                   me.

                   My oldest daughter has been “clean” from drugs for two
                   months. She applied for a job, & yesterday we found
                   out she passed her drug test. This is truly a miracle.
                   I am so proud of her & thankful to God for His mercy.
                   She starts work tomorrow.

                   I went to the hospital yesterday to visit a friend
                   that had a throat surgery. I went to cheer him up, but
                   by the time we were done praying I feel I received
                   more of a blessing than he did. I received a call last
                   night from someone, who was intent on cheering me up,
                   which she did. This morning a friend pepped me up,
                   while on line. My point is that God gives us the
                   sustaining resources, when we need them the most. Then
                   Nanny came & with strong words of love & support,
                   shown rather than spoken & felt rather than heard, but
                   so very real none the less.

                   The day started beautifully, as the sun shown brightly
                   spreading it’s warmth. Then my spirit endured a
                   tragedy that foretold of greatly desired & expected
                   relief for my body would be postponed & maybe even
                   modified from what was expected. As afternoon fades
                   into evening, I’m sitting here typing in a peaceful
                   glow. I’m alive. I’m loved. I have many friends. All
                   is not lost, as I’ll be patched up by hunting season.

                   There are only two harsh realities to contend with
                   right now. One is dealing with these #@$%@&*)+!
                   tremors. Two is that crazy woman just had the nerve to
                   tell me we are out of coffee! Can you believe it!

                   Sincerely, Toad

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From: janet313313
Date: March 13, 2001 09:42 PM
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"This is by far the hardest letter I've written..."

dear toad

not only that,
it is possibly the finest one you've written
(from my minimal experience, that is)

i firmly believe
nope
i know
that there are no coincidences

everything that happens around us is meant to happen

everything is a gift
given to us to learn from

                   not as a reward
                   not as punishment
                   not as retribution
                   not as a bribe

                   your declaration of caring for the women in your life
                   brought tears to my eyes

                   so many of us suffer in so many ways
                   from not knowing how to express our deepest feelings

                   you are lighting the way for us

                   janet


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janet paterson, an akinetic rigid subtype, albeit perky, parky
PD: 54/41/37 CD: 54/44/43 TEL: 613 256 8340 EMAIL: [log in to unmask]
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