Virtually Together ... Families Find Ways To Include Members Who Can't Attend Special Gatherings

By Ellen Miller
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November 13, 2003

There's no place like home for the holidays, but when someone can't make the family gathering, a little planning,
imagination and technology can create the next best thing to being there.

Kin connections can be forged through e-mail, Web cams or a simultaneous toast across time zones. But 95 percent of
Americans prefer to use the old-fashioned phone to communicate with family, according to a December 2002 survey by
Harris Interactive.

With 14 adult siblings, assorted spouses, 52 grandchildren and two great-grandchildren, the entire O'Brien clan can't
always attend holiday gatherings at the Indianapolis home of parents Tom and Joan O'Brien.

"If someone can't come," says Tom O'Brien Jr., "we always call them and pass around the phone so everybody can talk to
them. It's usually pretty hard on them emotionally when they can't be there; there aren't that many occasions where the
entire family gets together now."

Creativity, even more than phone lines, can link a missing loved one to family festivities.

Heather Zeigler, a 2002 Purdue University graduate and Navy ensign, made her presence felt at her parents' 30th wedding
anniversary party in Marion, Ill., even though she was on the USS Fitzgerald, heading to the Persian Gulf.

Her sister set a framed photo of Heather in uniform at the head table, and an aunt read a letter Heather wrote for her
parents before her ship sailed.

"It was a wonderful thing, real touching," says Debbie Zeigler, Heather's mom.

Ninety-six percent of Americans feel strongly that spending time with immediate family is a priority, and 83 percent
want to attend gatherings of extended family and friends, according to the Harris Interactive poll.

"But the reality of life is that not everybody can always come," says Edith Wagner, editor of Milwaukee-based Reunions
magazine.

Grown children in relationships must choose which relatives to visit. Elderly or sick loved ones may not be able to
participate as they once did.

"Celebrating the people who aren't there, being in communication with them, is a great idea," says Wagner.

Ione Vargus of the Family Reunion Institute at Temple University in Philadelphia agrees.

"Most everyone needs to have a sense that they belong and that others care for them," she says. "This is a primary and
major function of the family.

"In African-American families, the elders are considered to be very important. It is not unusual for family members to
find ways to pay for an elder's trip to a family gathering or to arrange the gathering in a location so that an elder
can be there."

Remember others' needs

Families need to be sensitive to changes in older or ill relatives, says Mary Guerriero Austrom, an associate
psychiatry professor at the Indiana University School of Medicine who works with IU's Center for Aging Research.

"A cognitive problem, like with a stroke, Parkinson's or Alzheimer's, makes a large family gathering very difficult,"
Austrom says. "They are too chaotic. The person cannot filter out all of the noise.

"I've watched families go to a lot of trouble to have the perfect Thanksgiving dinner, and they go and get Grandpa and
bring him in, and he's there 10 minutes and says 'Take me back. Take me home.' "

It's important to adjust expectations and traditions to accommodate ill or aged loved ones, she says.

"I suggest families talk about this and take turns visiting Mom or Dad or Grandpa and not exclude him," Austrom says.
"Instead of a big, complicated dinner, you might go out and enjoy breakfast.

"Assign things: At Christmas, maybe somebody can do breakfast with Grandpa and help him get ready for church, then sit
in the back near an aisle, in case he can't cope with the crowd. At the big family gathering, send the kids to do video
games, then bring Grandpa over for coffee and dessert."

Consider the recipient

If you want to use technology to help keep an older or ill loved one connected, she says, consider their condition and
comfort level.

A "talking" picture frame or photo album that plays a recorded message may delight one person but frighten someone with
dementia.

"But very healthy older people are incredible with new technology, with e-mail and video streaming," Austrom says.

For those open to using the computer to connect -- and 74 percent of Americans are interested, says Harris Interactive -
- the technology is more accessible than ever, says T.J. Terry, manager of The Apple Store in Indianapolis.

When he couldn't join his parents in southern Indiana for his dad's birthday July 3, Terry used his computer, with
camera mounted, to see and talk to his father.

When Terry's parents and in-laws couldn't attend his son's first day of kindergarten, Terry created a 3-minute movie of
videos and photos set to John Lennon's "Beautiful Boy."

"I sent the grandparents a DVD in the mail," he says. "They called us and cried."

Austrom says linking loved ones is crucial, no matter how families do it.

"I work with people at the end of the life span," she says, "and it's one of those things that are people's greatest
regrets: 'I wish I had connected with my brother; I wish I had seen my sister before she died.'

"No one really feels guilty about not cooking more or not cleaning more or not working enough. It's the human
connections we tend to miss."

Call Star reporter Ellen Miller at 1-317-444-6130

SOURCE: Indianapolis Star, IN
http://www.indystar.com/articles/8/092230-8628-047.html

Staying Connected:

PHONE
• Call the person and pass the phone around so everyone can say hi, or use a speaker phone.
• Set up a conference call.
• Use three-way calling, which lets you talk with two people at the same time.
• Fax photos, written material or children's art.

INTERNET
• E-mail text messages and photos.
• Use instant messaging, which can include voice and video chatting. Aim the camera at the family table, so it's almost
like the loved one is there.
• Set up a family Web site. Many Internet companies provide them, including www.homestead.com and www.MyFamily.com.
Links to external sites will open a new browser. IndyStar.com does not endorse external sites.

OTHERS
• Plan for family members to toast at the same time, no matter where they are.
• Set aside time to remember those who can't be there, and those who've died in the past year.
• Buy a commemorative ad in the newspaper; include the absent person's photo.
• If the person is in a nursing home or hospital, make a banner and have it hung where the person can see it.
• Record a message on a "talking" photo frame or photo album.

DELIVERY
• Send pictures or videos from the gathering.
• Send flowers, candy or a special meal on the day of the gathering.
• Send a series of remembrances over a period of time, such as the 12 days of Christmas.

-- Ellen Miller
SOURCES: Edith Wagner, editor of Reunions magazine http://www.reunionsmag.com ; Liz Dorn, spokeswoman for SBC

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