Patti, I feel for you in your concern for your much-loved daughter. We
parents want to do the best for our children, but so often wonder if indeed
we are doing so.  I have so much empathy for you, but I don't know that I
have any advice to offer.  I do have, though, a somewhat similar experience
that I thought I would share with you.

Sometime ago I was asked to counsel an 18-year-old girl who, I was told, was
having all sorts of difficulties at school and at home.  In passing it was
mentioned that she had become fairly obese in the last few years.   I was
told that she had seen several counsellors but had not found those sessions
useful.   I am not myself a counsellor, but am a teacher of many years'
experience.

When I met S, I found that she was very negative about almost everything in
her life - school, schoolmates, parents, siblings, grandmother, her future
etc.  I also found that there was a trigger situation some years ago that
had made her unhappy and she had taken to eating a lot to comfort herself.
After talking with her, I came to the conclusion that many of her problems
seemed to flow from self-esteem and self-image issues.  Things were not
improved by a somewhat over-anxious mother, who is herself a counsellor.  S
was looking for a way to get out of this downward spiral of apathy,
negativity and weight gain but had not reacted positively to her earlier
sessions with counsellors.  I gave her my analysis which she seemed to agree
with.  I then advised her to work on the weight issues first with the help
of professionals, as weight-loss was an achievable goal for her and would
have a positive impact on her self-image and self-esteem.

Subsequently I had fairly positive feedback about her reaction to her
meeting with me, but I have not seen or heard from her since, so I do not
know how she is getting on.

I don't know if this is of any use to you...
Moneesha



2010/1/18 PATTI ZAPF <[log in to unmask]>

>  I need help and prayed for guidance and here i find myself writing to all
> of you for advice.
>
> Our 24 year old, gorgeous daughter, has become obese over the last 4 years.
> She has had wellness check ups and all results were normal.
> She has never struggled with her weight before, until she got out on her
> on, attended college (not the one of her dreams), met her husband, and has
> little financial support from her dad and i, as we pretended to be able to
> bring her what she hoped for. We did pay for a lovely afternoon wedding, but
> her university schooling has been mostly paid for with her own grants,
> loans, and scholarships.
>
> You see, our daughter is very smart . She wants to earn a good salary, and
> she has figured getting a degree as an cpa accountant will bring her that.
> In the meantime, her young husband had to pay for his way into school too,
> just graduated with a 4 year degree, and has big student loans of his own,
> that now need to be paid off, and he is working towards that goal.  Her
> husband is a hard worker and wants to be able to provide for her.  He is a
> physical trainer at a nice health club and is able to work out with our
> daughter, a couple of times a week there.  These two are both 24 years young
> and married almost 2 years.
>
> Her dad and i really have had blinders on when it comes to running out of
> money,.  In our younger years of raising our daughter and son, we pretended
> not to be concerned about running out of money, not thinking that a disease
> like Parkinsons' would be so disabling, until we are where we are now, and
> realize the Parkinson's has not only cost us not only alot of money, but
> also has caused us to be less than great parents.
>
> Our daughter is our first child together (my husband has 3 older siblings).
>  She has been the spot light of our life until her brother came along and
> stole some of that light.  She feels that i favor our son, which i hope not
> to be doing, but fear sometimes it comes across like that, altho not
> intentionally.
>
> Her dad, myself, and our daughter have all gone to a counselor and
> discussed her issues at different appointments.  We have offered to pay for
> her to see a doctor that maybe could help her gain control of her weight,
> but she is now highly offended.  Originally, when we discussed this with our
> daughter three years ago, she asked if we thought she was depressed, and we
> said no we didn't and left it at that.  I thought oh no, a doctor would
> prescribe an anti-depressant medication as a quick fix.
>
> Our daughter does not appear to be really happy.  When she talks about some
> things she uses terms like hate and makes negative comments.  She is
> incredibly talented in the arts and has a strong head on her shoulders. Her
> New York school she dreamed of attending after high school, fell out of
> reach, due to our finances.
>
> I wish we could give her the financial support we raised her believing
> would be there for her, make her feel better about herself, help her lose
> the 100 lbs she needs to, and life would be focused on her many wonderful
> talents.  Her weight scares me, because i know bad things can happen from
> excess fat and so, i fear.  She had an injured knee from a car accident 3
> years ago, while her husband was driving, that still hurts her too.
>
> I have read many good bits of advice from several of you on different
> issues, so what would you advise to help our dear daughter?  thank you for
> sharing your thoughts.
>
> patti cg 16
>

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