Jackie,

I don't know the correct names for what you are experiencing, but it is very
difficult seeing your parents love for one another start to destroy them.
 Your dad doesn't want to go away to a home which is understandable.  Your
mother feels she must be there for him.  If she isn't there she may think it
would be her fault if something should happen.

Watching this happen bleeds your heart. You have not seen anything like this.
 Well, I was spared this with my parents, but so many have not.  There is a
wealth of professional help just for this problem.  Let me talk about the
solution where your father is put in a home where he is cared for day and
night as necessary.  (This is not necessarily the best solution for this
case.  More information is needed by a professional for proper evaluation.)
 Your father in this case is in a place that can provide him better care than
your mother.  Your mother can sleep nights knowing he is being cared for.
 This reduces the stress on her.  She can do things that have to be done, yet
she can visit her husband as much as she wants.  When she does visit him, she
will look and be rested.  Her health will improve.  She will look at her
husband and see the man in shining armore she married.  If this is the
decision to impliment, you will be needed to help your mother see that her
health is just as important as his.

Where do you find help?  Start with your parents church, then your father's
PD doctor, senior center, government agencies that have the word "aging" in
their name.  GIve them a call and ask.   Do realize that your mother is
unable to do this.  She is 110% preoccupied with your dad.  You need a
professional and I do not mean house cleaner or disk washer.  I mean a health
care professional who has worked this type of problem.

Keep your mother and father involved in what you are doing.  They may object
publicly, but privately they know your taking the bull my the horns and
asking hard questions is the right thing to do.  They are afraid of the
future just as you are.  If they know who you are seeing and talking to, they
will be more open to listen should that person visit your parents home.  I
have been told that the final decision may be yours, not theirs.  Be prepared
to show compassion for their human fraility.  Somewhere I read that our
parents spend 18 years of their life to get us into this world.  We will
spend 19 years of our live assuring our parents have a quality aging process.


Others on this listserver may know resources better than I.  I hope they will
also respond.  My best wishs to you and all members of your family.

Regards,
Alan Bonander