In case you haven't seen this one - take a break and enjoy.

Mike.

> Date: Wed, 10 Jul 1996 10:00:55 -0500
> From: Monte Ohrt <[log in to unmask]>
> To: Network Operations Center <[log in to unmask]>
> Cc: [log in to unmask]
> Subject: Re: Network speed
> 
> Network Operations Center wrote:
> > 
> > Due to the slowness of the internet lately I have decided to do the
> > annual lubricating of the network.  I bought a can of netlube and will be
> > pouring it into the ethernet later today.  This could result in dropletts
> > of lubricant seeping out of ethernet connections and telephone lines.
> >   Please be prepared for this by having a number of net certified towelets
> > available near all network and modem connections.
> >   WARNING: Netlube is highly toxic and could cause spontainous laughter or
> > smirks and grins.  Please dispose of any collected netlube at your
> > nearest techno-hazard site.
> 
> Also, due to the traffic on the internet lately, we will be
> adjusting the internet bandwidth valve this afternoon. Sorry
> for any inconveniences this may cause while these adjustments
> are tested. You may also experience a bit of network congestion
> while we change out the packet filters.
 
This raises the much neglected area of proper maintenance of
network and related communication gear.

Please be sure to check the hardware manual and ensure that the
netlube you use meets or exceeds the IETF and ASTM standards for 
the networking media you are using.  

The use of the wrong grade of netlube can serious degredation or damage 
your the network topology by corroding or clogging the bandwidth values and
packet filters or coagulating in the media causing packet eddies, 
backups and blockages.

Should you network become congested, hourly doses of a 56 byte ping
packet of netlax for 24 hours loosens up most network congestions.  For
best effect the packets should be applied to the central router(s)
exactly on the hour according to the stratum 1 ntp clocks on the
internet.  Variances of as much as 2 thousandths of a second have been
show to reduce the effectiveness of the netlax by the order of
magnitude of the uncongested network bandwidth.

In extreme cases a 64k byte packet of netlax has been shown to relieve
most network blockages and backups within 3 RIP updates.

CAUTION: Using netlube on a highly loaded switched hub may
         cause collisions or packet lose due to packet slippage.

Check you hardware manual for the proper interval for back flushing
and replacing packet filters.  If your network is heavily used by
audio protocols like mbone, realaudio or stream works, you may need
to change your packet filters more frequently.  Periodic checks of
the condition of all packet filters is a sign of a good maintenance
attitude.

Orientation of packet filters is critical!  Observe the orientation
marks on the packet filter and the interface when your remove the
filter so that you can insert the new or back flushed filter in the
correct orientation.  A reversed packet filter will clog and cause
severe networking problems.

Note that the proper sequence is to lubricate you network first, then
backflush or replace ALL packet filters.  Netlube applications often
release large amount accumulated of bit rot and fragmented gifs into
the network that can clog packet filters, thus change the packet
filters last.

Often forgotten is the fact that serial cables are also in need of period
maintenance.  Serial cables used for shell accounts need to have
periodic applications of bitlube to ensure that baud rate valves and
hardware flow control switches function smoothly and quickly.  It is
important to use the proper grade of bitlub for the serial cable
based on length, number and gauge of the wires.  Note that the 
improper application of netlube on serial cables violates most 
manufacturers warranty.

Serial cables that are used for shell accounts and network connections must 
first be lubricated with bitlube, the excess wrung out (observing the 
toxic waste handling procdeures noted in the above message) and 
then apply the proper multigrade netlube for the cable's length and
number and guage of wires.

JGT
network grease monkey
--
John G. Thompson      Livingston Enterprises Inc.    Phone: (800) 458-9966
JOAT(MON)             6920-220 Koll Centre Pkwy.       Fax: (510) 426-8951
[log in to unmask] Pleasanton, CA 94566      http://www.livingston.com