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            TRICKS OF THE TRADE
=0D
Like all others, the business run by Mr. Parkinson =

has its share of useful maneuvers, known only to =

his various clients.  Some of these I acquired by
 myself; but most of them were suggested, or =

hinted at, by our P.D. associates. Please note that =

none of the following apply to the acronym =

T.R.A.P. (Tremor, Rigidity, Akinesia, Posture): these
 are the primary symptoms of Parkinson's, and common =

to all of us. However, there are hundreds or maybe
 thousands of secondary symptoms; we each have some
 share of them. I am listing some of these symptoms
 below in capital letters, together with suggestions =

about How to Return to Sender. Please join me in this
 process by posting suggestions you have for coping =

with these and other gifts of Mr. Parkinson.
=0D
SLUSHY DICTION..
   Sing operatic arias; yell; shout something while
 in the tub or in your automobile with the windows =

up, pronouncing and enunciating very clearly.
=0D
SWALLOWING..
   Don't pass a water tap without taking TEN small
 sips or swallows.
=0D
SHUFFLING AND/OR STUMBLING GAIT..
   Two suggestions. 1. Walk to a 90-beat, singing =

a college fight song, swinging your arms;  be sure
 to use your heel and toe.  2. Stand erect, pull =

back your shoulders, clasp your hands and press =

behind your lower back, and go forward.
=0D
SYNDROME OF THE RESTLESS LEG..
   Take a quarter of your favorite pill about =

15 minutes before it starts, and go three to five
 minutes on a treadmill (if your spouse happily has one).
=0D
DRINKING SOUP..
   Place a tray on one of the plastic forms your
 computer came in, and spoon the soup from about
 five centimeters from your mouth. Wear a bib!
=0D
DROOLING..
   Thus far it beats me. How about you?
=0D
DYSKINESIA..
   Hold a plate or glass made of Arcoroc (made in France)
 or other blue glass, and see the world through it =

for five or ten minutes.
=0D
GETTING DRESSED..
   Take a year at, say, M.I.T. and study the basics =

of Newton's Laws of Motion.
=0D
GETTING UNDRESSED..
   Another year at a good university, studying the
 physics of falling bodies.
=0D
URINATION..
   There are male and female hand-held urinals!
=0D
FALLING..
   Live in a tiny house or apartment, where you
always are within reach of a wall, an upright, =

sturdy piece of furniture or something solid to grab
 onto. Mr. Parkinson gives due warning for this, =

so that the former athlete, when falling, knows =

how to soften the fall.
=0D
SEX..
   Forget it.
=0D
SHAKING (SEVERE)..
   Raise arms high overhead; hold for one minute.
=0D
A BED DEVICE..
   For a bed without headboard or side rails, =

prepare a five-foot length of 2-by-4 by drilling =

a few inches from either end a one-inch hole.
 Through each hole secure a 24-inch piece of =

one-inch dowel. Place it across the springs and
mattress of the bed, about a foot from the top =

of the bedding. This is a great aid in turning =

and moving in bed, and works especially well
 with a Craftmatic bed.
=0D
SWOLLEN ANKLES AND LEGS..
   The aforementioned bed is a useful way to =

raise the feet high and lessen the swelling. =

An even better method is to use, jointly, =

elastic stockings and ice packs applied for
 twenty minutes. Refreezable ice packs are
available at drugstores.
=0D
TURNING IN BED..
   This difficult act is aided by sewing on =

the rear of your pajamas a big square of satin;
 match this square with another square of satin =

sewn to your bottom sheet. Sliding is thus made =

much easier.
=0D
HANDWRITING..
   An illegible script is improved by printing it =

over in big block letters.
=0D
MOTION HESITATION..
   When a football quarterback calls signals =

from the shotgun formation, he often gives a
 kick with his foot to indicate that he is
 ready to receive a pass from the center.
 I have found that this same kick puts an end =

to motion hesitation.
=0D
DRY MOUTH..
   Drink water, suck ice.
=0D
BALANCE..
   Sing any song at a beat and go forward.
=0D
WALKING BACKWARDS..
   Never take a step backwards, for it will =

surely lead you into a fall.
=0D
BREATHING..
   Turn the other cheek!
=0D
STOOPING..
   Look in the mirror when you brush your teeth,
 then straighten your back.
=0D
SLEEP..
   Get as much as you possibly can, night and day.
=0D
CONSTIPATION..
   Eat sauerkraut and/or prunes.
=0D
FOOT AND LEG CRAMPS..
   Use NuSalt (potassium chloride), available =

in supermarkets.
=0D
What else?
=0D
Regards, =

Sam Kalkstein
 =

   =


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