Hello Janet,

> i don't mean this to cause you more anxiety
> but is there a possibility
> that maybe her feelings have changed since the summer romance ?
> that maybe her reaction to the pd is an 'out' for her ?

Hm, no I don't think so. At least that is NOT how her last letter
sounded, but oh yes, I am definitely considering that it might be a fact.

> [a side note to barb mallut:
> i think by 'order' john is referring to
> something like a 'money order' which can be used for a phone call
> i don't think he meant that he was 'demanding' that she call him]

I ddid mean order in the sense "demand", but I put the "" around it to
indicate the fact that I did not mean it as an actual command... I am not
that kind of a man. I wouldn't DREAM of actually commanding someone. Just
so you all know!! I meant to convey that I, uh, my english is failing
me, pleaded(?) asked her very insistently, to call. We have to talk about
this, dealing with something as difficult as this by mail is just not an
option, I think.

> you cannot 'make her understand'
> all you can do is present information to her
> and allow her to digest it and make up her own mind

Good, heavens, is that how I sound???
No, no, no.... Again, I am not the kind of person who demands, bullies
and coerces the people around me. Of course I let her make her own mind
up, I'm no monster. How could I force her to love me?? That cannot be
done, I know that. I was simply trying to say that I am trying to give
her a more nuanced image of PD, and by that I hope I can 'make' her
understasnd that it isn't a death sentence.

I think this is a problem with my English. I don't know enough to really
get all the nuances right! So, everybody please understand that I AM a
foreigner, I do not speak English as my "main" language! I might seem
pretty fluent, but when it comes to the tone of a letter, it's hard for
me to be as precise as I would wish.

> there is always hope
> but the situation with pd now is at its brightest ever

Yup, that's what I was trying to "make" Esther understand... ;)

> i have every right to my feelings, as all of us do,
> but if they are based on a false premise or a distorted viewpoint
> then they are invalid and unjustified
> and potentially harmful

Indeed.

> after diagnosis and after learning more about pd
> the fear has vanished
> i remain hopeful and even excited about the future

Exactly the point I was trying to convey in my letter to Esther. She is
fearful about me becoming as ill as her grandfather was when he died ten
years ago.

> >...BUT John, let her find herself because
> >IF she is the right girl for you she will tell you...

Yes, re-reading her letter shows that even though she is very very afraid,
she loves me very much. She cares about me, and actually she says that
she wants to share her life with me whatever it will be like. I just
didn't take that in when reading about her fear. I have hope for us, still.

> and with camilla:
> >... waiting this out is terribly hard!
> >But it sounds like she needs time to adjust her thinking
> >-- and of course her feelings -- to the new situation ...

Yes, I do think so too. I mean, I have had over a year to adapt to the
thought of having a potentially crippling disease, first MS, now PD. It
will of course be a (long) while before she comes through this. I just
wish I could be close to her when she needs my support so much!

> and with barb:
> >... she should think about HERSELF
> >before she thinks about YOU ...

Yes to that too. At first those words sound harsh(?), but of course that
is the way it must be! She must think about what this might mean for her
life, and if she really wants to live with me. I wouldn't want it any
other way. I don't want her to choose me out of some misguided feeling of
duty! Oh, no.

> it strikes me right now
> that the reverse of this applies to you
> you have to think of yourself first as well
>
> if she still loves you, great...
> but your happiness cannot be dependent on her [or anyone else] loving you

:) You know, that's exactly what my psychologist told me the day before
yesterday! That's something that has grown in me during the last half
year, and I am starting to take it into my heart, finally.
It would be fantaastic if she really wants me, but I know I can live by
myself and have a good life even if she doesn't. It would be hard to lose
someone as wonderful as Esther, but that is the way it is sometimes....

> as novices
> we think we're entirely responsible
> for the way people treat us
> i have long since learned
> that we are responsible
> only for the way we treat people
>
>       rose lane

I liked that one. It is true.

Hugs to you all. I might not answer all your letters at once (I'm at work
right now, and I should get back to what I'm supposed to do) but I will,
in time. Thank you all for caring, and please remember that if my wording
sounds hard, it might be because I do not have full mastery of the
English language...

/John