For those of you who thought you understood history - here's some new
insights.
------
Mary Ann

>>
>> The World According to Student Bloopers
>>
>> Richard Lederer
>> St. Paul's School
>>
>> One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
>> receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have
pasted
>> together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine
student
>> bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight
grade
>> through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
>>
>> The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the
Sarah
>> Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that
the
>> inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cul-
>> tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of
a huge
>> triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and
>> Spain.
>>
>> The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the
>> Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
their
>> children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to
sacrifice
>> Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's
birthmark.
>> Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs,
but they
>> did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the
Israelites
>>
>> Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses
led
>> them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread
made
>> without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to
get the
>> ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He
>> fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical
times.
>> Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
>>
>> Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented
three
>> kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A
myth
>> is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him
in the
>> River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The
Illiad", by
>> Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last
hardship
>> that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by
Homer
>> but by another man of that name.
>>
>> Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice.
>> They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
>>
>> In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and
>> threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The
government
>> of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own
hands.
>> There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they
couldn't
>> climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the
>> Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more
men.
>>
>> Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people
Romans
>> because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets,
the
>> guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on
the
>> battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought
he
>> was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his
poor
>> subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
>>
>> Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King
Arthur
>> lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the
>> Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw,
and the
>> victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna
Carta
>> provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
>>
>> In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest
writer
>> of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote
liter-
>> ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
apple
>> while standing on his son's head.
>> The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value
of
>> their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
Wittenberg
>> for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being
excommunicated
>> by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude
that
>> made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great
inventions and
>> discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical
>> figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was
the
>> circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a
100-foot
>> clipper.
>>
>> The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
walking
>> difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the
"Vir-
>> gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed
herself be-
>> fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and
>> defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
>>
>> The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear
>> never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived
in
>> Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In
one
>> of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by
relieving
>> himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince
Mac-
>> beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an
>> example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was
Miquel
>> Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milto
n.
>> Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise
>> Regained."
>>
>> During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great
>> navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
ships
>> were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims
>> crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they
>> landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the
hill
>> rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies
on
>> their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their
>> cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard
one
>> for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain
John
>> Smith was responsible for all this.
>>
>> One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks
in
>> their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post
with-
>> out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls
over
>> stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally,
the
>> colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
>> Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress.
>> Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
>> Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all
his
>> clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented
elec-
>> tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against
itself
>> cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
>>
>> George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the
Father
>> of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted
to
>> secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
>> right to keep bare arms.
>>
>> Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
mother
>> died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own
>> hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He
said,
>> "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg
address
>> while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
He
>> also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment
gave
>> the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and
lynch
>> the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14,
1865,
>> Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors
in
>> a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
sup-
>> posedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
>>
>> Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltare
>> invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was
>> invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when
the
>> apples are flaling off the trees.
>>
>> Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel
>> was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach
died
>> from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.
He
>> was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even
when
>> everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died
for
>> this.
>>
>> France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished
>> before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
Revolu-
>> tion, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the
crowned
>> heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas
came
>> down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill
with
>> bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir
to
>> inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear
him
>> any children.
>>
>> The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is
in
>> the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest
queen.
>> She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end
of
>> her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the
final
>> event which ended her reign.
>>
>> The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
thoughts.
>> The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus
>> McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred
men.
>> Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a
cure
>> for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the
>> Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of
the
>> Marx Brothers.
>>
>> The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a
surf,
>> ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
>>
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