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    I have been reading your messages with great interest since I joined =
this group 3 days ago.  Perhaps it is too early in my association to =
send you a message before I really get a feel for the appropriate types =
of responses.  However, I've had a change in my attitude and I would =
like to talk about it. =20
    I am 51 yrs. old, a high school English teacher, married for 25 yrs. =
with two sons.  I was diagnosed in April of '96 and spent the next three =
months unable to speak the "P" word.  I was in such shock and such =
denial, I could not even bear to think about the implications of this =
diagnosis.  Sometime in August I was able to tell my boys who were 21 =
and 16.  They cried and I cried - it was quite a family howl actually.   =
          =20
    Then I found a neurologist who not only explained everything to me =
quietly and patiently, she also spent time with me in her office letting =
me hold her hand and cry. I really needed a counsellor, someone who =
could help me through the vast wasteland of grief over the loss of my =
health.  However there was no one, truly.  I found a psychiatrist who =
refused to touch me, even to shake hands.  I found a grief counsellor =
who reasoned away all emotions. I went to a psychotherapist whose =
shattering insight into my suffering was that I used the word "trash" =
twice in my litany of problems.  So I spent a long time sinking into =
depression and believing that I had brought a great calamity to my =
precious family, had no self worth whatever, and had absolutely no hope =
for any kind of a fulfilling future. I accepted that there was no one =
outside my family and my growing circle of loyal friends who could give =
me any objectivity or direction at all. =20
    I have lived the last two years of my life with a rock in my =
stomach, never being really happy.  Getting by, doing a terrific job =
teaching, finding a lot of success there, but coming home to a home =
where in spite of the support, still burying myself under the burden of =
Parrkinson's and whatever I was figuring was the Parkinson's "identity".
    I started taking medication: requip, effexor for the depression, =
amytriptaline for sleeping.  And just went on.
    Things started to change when I picked up a book by Bernie Siegle, =
Love Medicine and Miracles.  He's received a lot of criticism for this =
due to one of his tennants being: we attract the diseases we get.  =
Whether or not I buy this philosophy, it is still interesting to =
consider.  But his other main message was to love yourself.  And this he =
went on with at great lengths.
    Then, I thought that since I was grieving a great loss in my life, I =
should look into the work of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, On Death and Dying.  =
Much of her ground breaking points have found their way into the main =
stream culture.  But it was still absorbing.
    And everyone, all self help gurus, relate back to the original =
oracle of the concept that we do, under all circumstances, control our =
attitude - Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning.  This was a =
difficult read. He exaggerates nothing about the holocaust.  In plain =
unembellished english he defines the power of the human spirit to =
transcend and transform any situation which is beyond our control.
    Recently I've stumbled upon Joan Bolen's Close to the Bone.  A =
psychiatrist, she links the decent of the process of accepting chronic =
illness to mythology.  In this way she gives me a visual image to see =
the whole picture and not just the immediate pain, of what I am =
experiencing.
    While in the office of my doctor  the other day, I asked her to show =
me a picture of exacly where in my brain this dysfunction was occuring.  =
She showed me a photo of a skull cut away just above the eyes and =
pointed to the mid brain  with her pencil.  For the first time in 2 yrs, =
I felt a dissociation from the disease.  A separateness between this =
horrible "thing" and me.  I'm beginning to believe that this disease is =
not me, that I still have worth, the right to dream, to hope, a future.  =
Perhaps I was primed for this moment, with all the self help I'd been =
trying to do.  I don't know, I feel good about myself.  I hope it lasts.
    And one more thing.  She suggested that I start taking an anti =
oxidant called CoEnzyme Q10.  Not available through prescription in =
Canada, but you can buy it in Canada over the counter at health food =
stores. (!) It is available through prescription in the States.  There =
is no way that this capsule is creating the positive change in attitude =
that I'm experiencing.  But it's definitely not hurting.
The rock in my stomach is not completely gone.  But from time to time =
lately, I've felt it going.      Barb

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<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I have been =
reading your=20
messages with great interest since I joined this group 3 days ago.&nbsp; =
Perhaps=20
it is too early in my association to send you a message before I really =
get a=20
feel for the appropriate types of responses.&nbsp; However, I've had a =
change in=20
my attitude and I would like to talk about it.&nbsp; </FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I am 51 yrs. old, =
a high=20
school English teacher, married for 25 yrs. with two sons.&nbsp; I was =
diagnosed=20
in April of '96 and spent </FONT><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>the next =
three=20
months unable to speak the &quot;P&quot; word.&nbsp; I was in such shock =
and=20
such denial, I could not even bear to think about the implications of =
this=20
diagnosis.&nbsp; Sometime in August I was able to tell my boys who were =
21 and=20
16.&nbsp; They cried and I cried - it was quite a family howl=20
actually.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbs=
p;&nbsp;&nbsp;=20
</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Then I found a =
neurologist=20
who not only explained everything to me quietly and patiently, she also =
spent=20
time with me in her office letting me hold her hand and cry. I really =
needed a=20
counsellor, someone who could help me through the vast wasteland of =
grief over=20
the loss of my health.&nbsp; However there was no one, truly.&nbsp; I =
found a=20
psychiatrist who refused to touch me, even to shake hands.&nbsp; I found =
a grief=20
counsellor who reasoned away all emotions. I went to a psychotherapist =
whose=20
shattering insight into my suffering was that I used the word =
&quot;trash&quot;=20
twice in my litany of problems.&nbsp; So I spent a long time sinking =
into=20
depression and believing that I had brought a great calamity to my =
precious=20
family, had no self worth whatever, and had absolutely no hope for any =
kind of a=20
fulfilling future. I accepted that there was no one outside my family =
and my=20
growing circle of loyal friends who could give me any objectivity or =
direction=20
at all.&nbsp; </FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I have lived the =
last two=20
years of my life with a rock in my stomach, never being really =
happy.&nbsp;=20
Getting by, doing a terrific job teaching, finding a lot of success =
there, but=20
coming home to a home where in spite of the support, still burying =
myself under=20
the burden of Parrkinson's and whatever I was figuring was the =
Parkinson's=20
&quot;identity&quot;.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I started taking =
medication:=20
requip, effexor for the depression, amytriptaline for sleeping.&nbsp; =
And just=20
went on.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Things started to =
change when=20
I picked up a book by Bernie Siegle, Love Medicine and Miracles.&nbsp; =
He's=20
received a lot of criticism for this due to one of his tennants being: =
we=20
attract the diseases we get.&nbsp; Whether or not I buy this philosophy, =
it is=20
still interesting to consider.&nbsp; But his other main message was to =
love=20
yourself.&nbsp; And this he went on with at great lengths.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Then, I thought =
that since I=20
was grieving a great loss in my life, I should look into the work of =
Elizabeth=20
Kubler-Ross, On Death and Dying.&nbsp; Much of her ground breaking =
points have=20
found their way into the main stream culture.&nbsp; But it was still=20
absorbing.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; And everyone, all =
self help=20
gurus, relate back to the original oracle of the concept that we do, =
under all=20
circumstances, control our attitude - Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for=20
Meaning.&nbsp; This was a difficult read. He exaggerates nothing about =
the=20
holocaust.&nbsp; In plain unembellished english he defines the power of =
the=20
human spirit to transcend and transform any situation which is beyond =
our=20
control.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Recently I've =
stumbled upon=20
Joan Bolen's Close to the Bone.&nbsp; A psychiatrist, she links the =
decent of=20
the process of accepting chronic illness to mythology.&nbsp; In this way =
she=20
gives me a visual image to see the whole picture and not just the =
immediate=20
pain, of what I am experiencing.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; While in the =
office of my=20
doctor&nbsp; the other day, I asked her to show me a picture of exacly =
where in=20
my brain this dysfunction was occuring.&nbsp; She showed me a photo of a =
skull=20
cut away just above the eyes and pointed to the mid brain&nbsp; with her =

pencil.&nbsp; For the first time in 2 yrs, I felt a dissociation from =
the=20
disease.&nbsp; A separateness between this horrible &quot;thing&quot; =
and=20
me.&nbsp; I'm beginning to believe that this disease is not me, that I =
still=20
have worth, the right to dream, to hope, a future.&nbsp; Perhaps I was =
primed=20
for this moment, with all the self help I'd been trying to do.&nbsp; I =
don't=20
know, I feel good about myself.&nbsp; I hope it lasts.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; And one more =
thing.&nbsp; She=20
suggested that I start taking an anti oxidant called CoEnzyme Q10.&nbsp; =
Not=20
available through prescription in Canada, but you can buy it in Canada =
over the=20
counter at health food stores. (!) It is available through prescription =
in the=20
States.&nbsp; There is no way that this capsule is creating the positive =
change=20
in attitude that I'm experiencing.&nbsp; But it's definitely not=20
hurting.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT size=3D2>The rock in my stomach is not completely gone.&nbsp; =
But from=20
time to time lately, I've felt it going.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;=20
Barb</FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>

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