my dear leta

At 01:13 1998/11/17 -0800, you wrote:
>The mail demon tried to eat this. I've been Java error messages
>for the way I have the name and e-mail address in my book. any
>suggestions. send to my private mail.

the only thing that caught my eye was
the listserv address was shown as
listserv.utoronto.edu instead of
listserv.utoronto.ca

>> It is almost two o'clock in the morning, and I am
>>AWAKE. My alarm is set for 6:30. Sound sleep has
>>evaded me for the last 3 months.

sleep disturbance is a  prime symptom of clinical depression [cd]
i know cd well; been there, done that.

>> Since my dx last March, I have done very well physically.  A
>> model of better living through chemistry. I can walk unassisted,
>> talk most of the time, write, feed myself. Today, I even ordered
>> soup in public! What is so hard is having lost my job as a result
>> of my illness.  My boss could not believe that I could be well
>> enough to work.  I get disability, so we won't be starving.  The
>> simple truth is I want to work.  The company I worked for provides
>> "out placement", an office and people who help you look for work,
>> really quite fine.  Now I'm looking at starting my own business,
>> I'm excited and terrified at the same time.

your pd diagnosis was a shock and a perceived loss
that needs to be mourned as much as any other loss

the harsh treatment from your boss
certainly didn't help your wounded self-confidence

looking at a new business is great but as you say terrifying
[i started a business a year after my diagnosis too]
and adds more stress to your current condition

>> I know I'm suffering from depression, I am seeing someone
>> for it. That hasn't helped because I really try to put on
>> my best face in public. And I'm afraid if I told her what
>> I am really thinking, she might have me committed.

seeing someone for depression is an excellent first step!

digging up the gumption and courage to tell us about your fears
is a superb second step!

if you truly have clinical depression
those thoughts you are so concerned about are 'distortions'
created by the brain chemical imbalance that is depression;
they are not 'your' thoughts, and there are ways to deal with them

cd is eminently treatable and curable
but recognising it is the hardest part of the battle;
you are well on your way to feeling good again!

>> My husband has been a great support, he just can't handle these
>> "emotional outbursts" I have a good friend who is generally a good
>> listener.  I called one night when I was feeling like this, she
>> asked what could cause me to feel like this.  Instead of using my
>> good sense, I told her PD, diabetes, sleep apnea, lost my job and
>> had to have my dog put to sleep. We haven't spoken a work about
>> it since, about 2 months.

your husband is bound to be struggling with his own fears and perceived loss
so that's an outlet for you that is unavailable right now

your friend is probably sympathetic and empathetic but overwhelmed
so that's another door that's temporarily closed

and then you lost your pet - so many losses in such a short time!

i have built up a file of several of my past messages to the list
about clinical depression and the pain of initial pd diagnosis
i would be happy to send them to you privately if you wish

my disclaimer - i am not a medico, just a nosie parkie
with a lot of cd experience under my belt!

your cyber-sibling in brain chemistry

janet

janet paterson - 51/41/37 - almonte/ontario/canada
http://www.newcountry.nu/pd/members/janet/
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