>

>
> << >> ==============
> >>> Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still
feel
> >>> miserable.
> >>> Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave
you?
> >>> Patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed."
> >>> =============
> >>
> >>
> >>> An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any
interest in his
> >>> paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad
news," the
> >>> owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired
about your
> >>> work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your
death."
> >>> "When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
> >>> "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.
> >>> "What's the bad news?"
> >>> "The guy was your doctor..."
> >>> ===============
> >>> After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to
bring his
> >>> wife a little gift. How about some perfume?" he asked the
cosmetics
> >>> clerk.
> >>> She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much,"
said Tom,
> >>> so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
> >>> "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing, disgusted,
the clerk
> >>> brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
> >>> "What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really
cheap."
> >>> So the clerk handed him a mirror.
> >>> ==================
> >>> At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
> >>> including human beings. Little Johnny a child in the
Kindergarten
> class,
> >>seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created
out of
> one
> >>of Adam's ribs.
> >>> Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though
he were
> >>> ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
> >>> Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think
I'm going
> >>> to have a wife."
> >>> ============
> >>> A woman is in a gambling casino. At the roulette she says, "I
have no
> >>> idea what number to play."
> >>>
> >>> A man near-by suggests she play her age. She puts her money on
number
> >>> 35.
> >>> The wheel is spun and 43 comes up. The woman faints.
> >>> =========
> >>> Two Kentucky hillbillies approach each other on a country road.
> >>> One is carrying a sack over his shoulder.
> >>> "Hey, Billy Bob," calls out to the other, "What you got in that
sack?"
> >>> "Some chickens."
> >>> "If I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one of
them?"
> >>> "Hell, Joe Bob, if you guess how many chickens I got in
> >>> the sack, I'll give you *both* of them."
> >>> "Okay. Er... Five?"
> >>> ===============
> >>
> >>> A woman was applying for the renewal of her driver's license.
> >>> She was asked by the inspector, "Have you ever been adjudged
insane or
> >>> feeble-minded? He paused and smiled, adding, "That is, by
anyone other
> >>> than your own children?"
> >>> =============
> >>> I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a
psychiatrist. Then
> >>> she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two
plumbers,
> >>> and a bartender.
> >>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >>> It took many hours, but they removed ALL of Tammy Faye Baker's
make
> >>> up,...
> >>> and do you know what they found?
> >>> Jimmy Hoffa
> >>> ~~~
> >>> I find it curious that there are many individuals whose surname
is
> >>> Brown, Green, White, Black, Gray or Gold, but there are
virtually none
> whose
> >>> surname is Red, Orange, Yellow, Purple or Pink... I wonder why
that is.

> >>> ~~~
> >>> Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said,
> >>> "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I
squeeze
> >>> 'em"?
> >>> ~~~
> >>> I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.
> >>> ~~~
> >>> QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the
birth of
> >>> the first child and occurs again after the last child has left
for
> >>> college.
> >>> ~~~
> >>> I've just changed brokers - from stock to pawn.
> >>> ~~~
> >>> Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
> >>> ~~~
> >>> An ulcer is what you get mountain climbing over molehills.
> >>> ~~~
> >>> "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and
said
> >>> 'Who's speaking please?'
> >>> And a voice said 'You are.'"
> >>> ~~~
> >>> "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
> >>> swimming baths?'
> >>> He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
> >>> ~~~
> >>> If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed...
> >>> ... Oh, wait a minute, he already does.
> >>> ~~~
> >>~
> >>> I put my contacts on inside out this morning. I had the feeling
> >>> somebody was watching me all day long.
> >>> ~~~
> >>> An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
> >>> ~~~
> >>> I kiss my money goodbye so often that my credit cards are getting
> >>> jealous.
> >>> ~~~
> >>> Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
> >>> ~~~~
> >>>
> >>> Q. What two, 4-letter words do men hate?
> >>> A. Don't and stop, unless used together

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