>

>
> << >> ==============
>  >>> Patient:  It's been one month since my last visit and I still
feel
>  >>> miserable.
>  >>> Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave
you?
>  >>> Patient:  I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed."
>  >>> =============
>  >>
>  >>
>  >>> An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any
interest in his
>  >>> paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad
news," the
>  >>> owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired
about your
>  >>> work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your
death."
>  >>> "When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
>  >>> "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.
>  >>> "What's the bad news?"
>  >>> "The guy was your doctor..."
>  >>> ===============
>  >>> After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to
bring his
>  >>> wife a little gift. How about some perfume?" he asked the
cosmetics
>  >>> clerk.
>  >>> She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much,"
said Tom,
>  >>> so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
>  >>> "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.  Growing, disgusted,
the clerk
>  >>> brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
>  >>> "What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really
cheap."
>  >>> So the clerk handed him a mirror.
>  >>> ==================
>  >>> At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
>  >>> including  human beings.  Little Johnny a child in the
Kindergarten
> class,
>  >>seemed  especially intent  when they told him how Eve was created
out of
> one
>  >>of Adam's ribs.
>  >>> Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though
he were
>  >>> ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
>  >>> Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side.  I think
I'm going
>  >>> to  have a wife."
>  >>> ============
>  >>> A woman is in a gambling casino. At the roulette she says, "I
have no
>  >>> idea  what number to play."
>  >>>
>  >>> A man near-by suggests she play her age.  She puts her money on
number
>  >>> 35.
>  >>> The wheel is spun and 43 comes up. The woman faints.
>  >>> =========
>  >>> Two Kentucky hillbillies approach each other on a country road.
>  >>> One is carrying a sack over his shoulder.
>  >>> "Hey, Billy Bob," calls out to the other, "What you got in that
sack?"
>  >>> "Some chickens."
>  >>> "If I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one of
them?"
>  >>> "Hell, Joe Bob, if you guess how many chickens I got in
>  >>> the sack, I'll give you *both* of them."
>  >>> "Okay.  Er...  Five?"
>  >>> ===============
>  >>
>  >>> A woman was applying for the renewal of her driver's license.
>  >>> She was asked by the inspector, "Have you ever been adjudged
insane or
>  >>> feeble-minded?  He paused and smiled, adding, "That is, by
anyone other
>  >>> than your own children?"
>  >>> =============
>  >>> I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a
psychiatrist.  Then
>  >>> she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two
plumbers,
>  >>> and a bartender.
>  >>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>  >>> It took many hours, but they removed ALL of Tammy Faye Baker's
make
>  >>> up,...
>  >>>   and do you know what they found?
>  >>>          Jimmy Hoffa
>  >>> ~~~
>  >>> I find it curious that there are many individuals whose surname
is
>  >>> Brown,  Green, White, Black, Gray or Gold, but there are
virtually none
>  whose
>  >>> surname is Red, Orange, Yellow, Purple or Pink... I wonder why
that is.

>  >>> ~~~
>  >>> Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said,
>  >>> "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I
squeeze
>  >>> 'em"?
>  >>> ~~~
>  >>> I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.
>  >>> ~~~
>  >>> QUIET:  A state of household serenity which occurs before the
birth of
>  >>> the first child and occurs again after the last child has left
for
>  >>> college.
>  >>> ~~~
>  >>> I've just changed brokers  - from stock to pawn.
>  >>> ~~~
>  >>> Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
>  >>> ~~~
>  >>> An ulcer is what you get mountain climbing over molehills.
>  >>> ~~~
>  >>> "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and
said
>  >>> 'Who's  speaking please?'
>  >>> And a voice said 'You are.'"
>  >>> ~~~
>  >>> "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
>  >>> swimming  baths?'
>  >>> He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
>  >>> ~~~
>  >>> If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed...
>  >>> ... Oh, wait a minute, he already does.
>  >>> ~~~
>  >>~
>  >>> I put my contacts on inside out this morning.  I had the feeling
>  >>> somebody was watching me all day long.
>  >>> ~~~
>  >>> An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
>  >>> ~~~
>  >>> I kiss my money goodbye so often that my credit cards are getting
>  >>> jealous.
>  >>> ~~~
>  >>> Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
>  >>> ~~~~
>  >>>
>  >>> Q. What two, 4-letter words do men hate?
>  >>> A. Don't and stop, unless used together

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