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It is so sad to hear about your family's situation centering around your father's illness. The most important thing to understand is that, whatever is happening, it is not under your father's control. He is ill, demented. You and your mother should try to change your perspective if possible - the problem is not your father - the problem is your father's illness. If he could, he would behave, cooperate and be his old loving self. He can't, he is sick. His illness has affected his brain to the point that he has decreasing control over his own behavior and bodily functions. He is not to be blamed, scolded, rejected. Do your best to care for him with love. Caring for him will be frustrating, and anger provoking, and sometimes even physically impossible. When things reach this stage, families may need outside help beyond what the neurologist is able to do in the office by adjusting medications. You may need a sitter at home; you may need a nurse; or you may need to consider placing him in an extended care facility. The choice often depends upon the desires of the family and the financial resources and insurance available. It is important to care for the caregiver. Your mom needs all the help and emotional support she can get. Some of that care may be providing her some "respite" on a regular basis - in which she is able to leave the home and have some entertainment of substance - without worrying about your father, or taking him with her. Ultimately, she needs help making decisions for the long term care of your dad. She may need counseling to help her deal with her anger and guilt feelings. It is very likely that the neurologists office can refer her to appropriate social services to help her plan - but she will need the support of the family for the decisions she needs to make - such as placing your father in a nursing home. Remember and remind her that if the current situation persists, it threatens HER health too. Jorge Romero, MD ----- Original Message ----- From: "Linnea M Proverbs" <[log in to unmask]> To: <[log in to unmask]> Sent: Saturday, March 04, 2000 10:30 PM Subject: father > This is pretty personal stuff and I don't know if I should be sharing > this, but I figure you guys could help more than anyone else... > > My father has late-stage Parkinson's, at least I assume it is. He has > dementia now and does a lot of things "normal" people wouldn't do. He has > shook my mom, he has tried to pee on practically everything, along with > hallucinations and more normal things with Parkinson's, like his muscles > tensing on him where he can't walk and he has trouble forming what he > wants to say into sentences. the problem is, I don't think my mom > understands what the dementia is doing to him, and yells at him > constantly, or at least she doesn't want to understand. i have tried > explaining to her many times about how things are not really in his > control, but I can't get through. She just says it is just so frustrating > and puts on the poor me act, when it is my father who has Parkinson's! It > hurts to see them like this, and I left the other day because I couldn't > take the yeling any more. My mom told my dad tonight that it would be his > fault if I left, when she is the one yelling! I told him in front of her > it wasn't because of him...we have tried to get them to counseling, but my > mom insists she doesn't need to go. I have quit activities at school to go > to Parkinson's meetings with them, and she makes up excuses every week for > that,too. I just don't know what to do, what can help make this better. i > don't know what else to do and I can't stand being here-I don't sleep at > all here because she is up yelling at him for everything he does, yelling > at him when his legs freeze up and he can't move that "(he) isn't > trying" We just really need any advice/support you can give us right > now... >