As requested by several folks, here's the text of the joke. At the end is another joke about academic research papers. > >Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? > >> > >> KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. > >> > >> PLATO: For the greater good. > >> > >> ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. > >> > >> KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability. > >> > >> TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let > >> it > >> take. > >> > >> SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were > >> quite > >> justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. > >> > >> RONALD REAGAN: I forget. > >> > >> CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. > >> > >> HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.. > >> > >> ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was > >> threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with > >> significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required > >> for > >> the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering > >> relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its > >> physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the > >> Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its > >> skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the > >> chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall > >> strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting > >> convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens > >> along > >> with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation > >> industry > >> to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their > >> personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them > >> to > >> synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of > >> delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an > >> enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry > >> cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, > >> enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically > >> based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified > >> market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core > >> values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business > >> integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to > >> become more successful. > >> > >> MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be > >> free > >> to cross roads without having their motives called into question. > >> > >> MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, > >> "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there > >> was much rejoicing. > >> > >> FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more > >> chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? > >> > >> RICHARD M NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the > >> chicken > >> did NOT cross the road. > >> > >> MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares > >> why? > >> > >> The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. > >> > >> JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone > >> ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around > >> all > >> over the place, anyway?" > >> > >> FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed > >> the > >> road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. > >> > >> BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will > >> not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, > >> and balance your checkbook. > >> > >> OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" > >> Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we > >> overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing? > >> > >> DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally > >> selected > >> in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. > >> > >> EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath > >> the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. > >> > >> BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. > >> > >> RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended > >> it. > >> > >> ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. > >> > >> COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? > > > > ****************************************************************************** > > UNDERSTANDING AND WRITING SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH PAPERS > > The following list of phrases and their definitions might help > you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. > These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working > on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere! > > "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference. > > "A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless. > > "WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE > QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get > it published. > > "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The > other results didn't make any sense. > > "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph. > > "THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get > around to this sometime, if pushed/funded. > > "IN MY EXPERIENCE"... once > > "IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice > > "IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice > > "IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think. > > "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too. > > "CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong. > > "ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it. > > "A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE > FINDINGS"... A wild guess. > > "A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were > obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer. > > "IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A > COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENA OCCURS"... I don't > understand it. > > "AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand > it either. > > "THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND > TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Blotz did the > work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant. > > "A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally > useless topic selected by my committee. > > "IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION > IN THIS FIELD"... I quit. > -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To leave the list, send a SIGNOFF CASLL command to [log in to unmask] or, if you experience difficulties, write to Russ Hunt at [log in to unmask] For the list archives and information about the organization, the annual conference, and publications, go to the Inkshed Web site at http://www.StThomasU.ca/inkshed/ -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-