Deborah wrote---
>Hello all, don't know if sharing this will help, but I am having such
>trouble with the day-to-day decisions. My father would NEVER agree with
>some of my choices if he were "with-it", but I weigh things and some things
>have to be done.
Yes, the extra layer of responsibility is hard to handle at times, knowing
that we act for someone who would perhaps prefer things done differently....
Today I had a very difficult day, details of living, like
>running errands and getting the e-check and registering the car, and this on
>my day "off". One thing after another made each part of my errands increase
>in difficulty and by the time the daycare bus pulled in I was already
>frazzled!!!
I suspect most CGs can relate to this--I always keep an eye on the clock
when doing errands,etc--gotta be back for the next med, the "window of
opportunity" to live one's own life seems smaller and smaller !
I have been unable to be very giving with my Dad lately, I
>isolate more by reading and being on the computer, I just don't have it to
>give right now!!! I keep thinking more money would be the answer but I
>don't think that's it...it's about boundaries and taking care of myself and
>??????????????????????????
Boundaries are important to set and maintain---BUT money doesn't hurt, and
maybe if you could hire a few of the chores done it would strengthen your
boundaries and let you care for yourself better?
>....... I am overwhelmed again and afraid at some level Dad
>is getting a message that he is a burden, and sometimes it feels that way,
>but it makes me really sad to think I would ever communicate that verbally
>or nonverbally....that feels AWFUL....... Day before yesterday I was really
>grouchy and I asked dad where he was going when he tried to stand up, etc.
>and he said just trying to not catch hell for being
>alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FELT HORRIBLE.
Of course you did-- that guilt trip for letting feelings hang out is a
bummer. I think we all fear sending the "burden" message, and hate it
when that happens---but realistically there ARE times when we feel burdened
and overwhelmed, not so much by the PERSON as by the @X%X# ! disease, and
what it does to them and to us.
>.I explained that my grouchiness was not about his care or him, it was the
>fact that I have this >enormous house and 2 and 1/2 acre of land to mow
>and all the laundry, and his care
>and on and on and on.....and (here I really sound like I am whining) I miss
>my friends, my apartment, my language, my culture, my home!!!!!!!!!!!! Alot.
> thanks for listening....... Deborah Caregiver to Eugene80/11+
Hey Deb, you are ALLOWED to miss those things--and I expect that your
father (when he is himself) appreciates the sacrifices you have made in
order to be there for him. You do need to find more ways to "be good to
Deb" and that will make it easier to be good to him, and the guilt trip
will be shorter. Think about your day, all the responsibilities--even make
a list if you're a list-making-type. Then identify
which ones could be delegated to someone else, what it would take/cost to
do that, etc. Then check out resources available for delegating--you've
taken the first step by arranging for him to go to Adult Day Care 2 X a
week---that was smart and good for BOTH of you.
And as an afterthought, please post to CARE, since you are a member, and
get even more ideas and support....
Camilla Flintermann, CG for Peter 82/70/55
Oxford, Ohio
<[log in to unmask]>
on PDWebring at
http://members.tripod.lycos.nl/genugten/flinterm.htm
"Ask me about the CARE list for
Caregivers of Parkinsonians ! "
And visit the CARE webring at
http://www.crosswinds.net/~caregivers/index.html
