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Janet, IMHO, Please please keep on with your cd rants. What you are saying rings so true, it's painful to read. I, too, felt the need to keep that aspect of my health profile under wraps. a position I regret taking now at least with my friends. PD has done one thing positive. It has given me the ability openly talk about depression, If I could only cure one, I think I'd take my chances with pd and get rid of cd. (at least that's how I feel today. It;s a good pd day.) you are saying exactly what needs to be said. No one should be ashamed of suffering with cd, I believe that a change in society's (mis)perceptions of clinical depression might save some lives on the edge. Thank you for your voice. Cathy Janet paterson wrote in part: > "http://www.geocities.com/janet313/wordspie/suicide/index.html" > > this page has been one of the most freqently 'hit' > single subject pages on my site > > and now the > jant rant continues: > > if only ... > i might have ... > maybe we should've ... > > i have heard of too many pd-related suicides > it's giving pd a bad name > > as a veteran of 12 years of pd [as diagnosed] > and 10 years of cd [as diagnosed] > i tend to think that cd is the more insidious > > at least with pd and sinemet > there's a little relief in the symptoms > good hard evidence of a little light at the end of the tunnel now and again > > with cd my thinking becomes so negative, > that i can't imagine any other way or time or being; > i can't imagine anything; i can barely think at all > > being a parkie doesn't mean i can't be perky at the same time > > being in cd can make me feel worse than > if i had ms, pd, als, psp, and msa combined > and [this is the real kicker] > even if i had none of the above > > cd sucks the joy and the possibility > out of every single aspect and moment of life > > cd causes 'paralysis of will' which imho is profoundly > more debilitating than pd > > cd distorts and twists ordinary thinking patterns > into downward spiraling and self perptuating > doom and gloom prophesies > [which are way beyond the reach of any ideas about 'bootstraps'] > viz my little attempt at a scriptlette: > [help me out here, carole, huh?] > > "research? it'll be a cold day in hell ..." > "mjf? he's just in it for the sympathy ..." > "hope? are you nuts?" "they are all blowing hot air" > "forum? what's the use .. the nih is just a cash hog" > "no, i just can't bear the idea of having to see a shrink" > "there's never going to be a cure ... don't waste my time" > "i'll never figure out this dsse form ... i can't concentrate ... > bernie is crazy if he thinks i'm going to spend all day filling in all this stuff" ... > "i will never get any better - it's hopeless" > "no, i don't want to talk to anyone, take a message" > "so what if i haven't been out of the house in a month ... > there's nothing out there i haven't seen before ... i don't want to go out" > "i can't stop wanting to cry ... what a fool i am ..." > "the men in the white coats are going to come get me if i let on..." > "this new med will never work so there's no point in trying it..." > "maybe i'll get out of bed tomorrow, i can't face anything today..." > "... i forgot my meds again, what's the point ... " > "why can't i get myself out of this? i must be losing my mind ... " > "this pain is unbearable already and it keeps getting worse ..." > "all my friends have deserted me... they can't stand me anymore ..." > "... i can't stand me anymore ..." > > and on and on ad nauseum > and eventually to utter despair > and ultimately maybe to suicide > > we are hoping against hope for a cure for pd > imagine having a cure for it right now > maybe even for the past five years > and hardly anyone is taking it > because of toxic shame > and society stereotypically saying > there's nothing wrong with you that a little willpower won't fix > > boggles the mind... > > jant > done for mow > > janet paterson > 53 now / 41 dx / 37 onset > 613 256 8340 / PO Box 171 Almonte Ontario K0A 1A0 Canada > visit my website "a new voice" at: "http://www.geocities.com/janet313/"