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cross-posted to the park place and to the parkinson forum at mgh: janet's rants on clinical depression (cd) and suicide i am a member of the 'big' pd mailing list and participated in cyber-discussions about the pan forum and the glad and sad news presented there. the news about paige broke my heart and produced the following bits of 'rants' of mine in the subsequent cyber-discussions. for whatever it may be worth, all of my messages to the pd list are on the wwweb at my wwwebsite "http://www.geocities.com/janet313/" we are all cyber-siblings when it comes to pd and that goes double for cd with love janet paterson "[log in to unmask]" -----jant rant part one---------------------------------------------- might i present a theorem of cause and effect: IF: 1. suicide is virtually always 'caused' by cd AND: 2. cd is totally absolutely CURABLE with treatment AND: 3. cd is the most common of ALL 'disabilities' world wide THEN: 4. cd is the most under-diagnosed and under-treated 'disability' world wide AND: 5. suicide is a leading and growing cause of death among young adults HUH? something is sadly and tragically wrong with this 'theorem' picture why? because of the toxic shame still attached [which we as a society still attach] to 'emotional weakness' or 'mental disorders' we parkies, of all people, who know first-hand and in-our-face what havoc a little 'glitch' in our brain chemistry can cause, are no less caught up in that toxic-shame/keep-it-hidden cycle when it comes to the 50% of us who deal with cd too maybe some of us did 'miss' paige's pain, but my guess is that she also made a great effort to hide it, due to our mutual and societal collective brain-washing-staining quick survey: how did you all feel when i mentioned 'tears' earlier today in response to the news about paige? should i have 'kept it quiet'? 'not made a fuss'? or what? -----jant rant part two----------------------------------------------- if only ... i might have ... maybe we should've ... i have heard of too many pd-related suicides it's giving pd a bad name as a veteran of 12 years of pd [as diagnosed] and 10 years of cd [as diagnosed] i tend to think that cd is the more insidious at least with pd and sinemet there's a little relief in the symptoms good hard evidence of a little light at the end of the tunnel now and again with cd my thinking becomes so negative, that i can't imagine any other way or time or being; i can't imagine anything; i can barely think at all being a parkie doesn't mean i can't be perky at the same time being in cd can make me feel worse than if i had ms, pd, als, psp, and msa combined and [this is the real kicker] even if i had none of the above cd sucks the joy and the possibility out of every single aspect and moment of life cd causes 'paralysis of will' which imho is profoundly more debilitating than pd cd distorts and twists ordinary thinking patterns into downward spiraling and self perptuating doom and gloom prophesies [which are way beyond the reach of any ideas about 'bootstraps'] viz my little attempt at a scriptlette: [help me out here, carole, huh?] "research? it'll be a cold day in hell ..." "mjf? he's just in it for the sympathy ..." "hope? are you nuts?" "they are all blowing hot air" "forum? what's the use .. the nih is just a cash hog" "no, i just can't bear the idea of having to see a shrink" "there's never going to be a cure ... don't waste my time" "i'll never figure out this dsse form ... i can't concentrate ... bernie is crazy if he thinks i'm going to spend all day filling in all this stuff" ... "i will never get any better - it's hopeless" "no, i don't want to talk to anyone, take a message" "so what if i haven't been out of the house in a month ... there's nothing out there i haven't seen before ... i don't want to go out" "i can't stop wanting to cry ... what a fool i am ..." "the men in the white coats are going to come get me if i let on..." "this new med will never work so there's no point in trying it..." "maybe i'll get out of bed tomorrow, i can't face anything today..." "... i forgot my meds again, what's the point ... " "why can't i get myself out of this? i must be losing my mind ... " "this pain is unbearable already and it keeps getting worse ..." "all my friends have deserted me... they can't stand me anymore ..." "... i can't stand me anymore ..." and on and on ad nauseum and eventually to utter despair and ultimately maybe to suicide we are hoping against hope for a cure for pd imagine having a cure for it right now maybe even for the past five years and hardly anyone is taking it because of toxic shame and society stereotypically saying there's nothing wrong with you that a little willpower won't fix boggles the mind... -----jant rant part three--------------------------------------------- i also have no intention or desire to cause pain or embarrassment to paige's loved ones or to diminish our respect for paige's memory in any way this is such an important issue every time we lose another soul to suicide i feel it more and more deeply i have been looking at paige's website and other web-pages again [thank you murray for your magnificent digging [!]] imho the person who wrote those words was not in depression, period. no one mired in cd could express even one percent of that energy. the spark that jumps out of her words is from her unfettered and joyous spirit. i can remember while mired in cd not being 'able' to read some of my own posts because they 'made my eyes hurt' the joy [or the memory of the joy] [or the reminder of the loss of that joy] in them was too much to bear so i must make an assumption that somewhere somehow paige hit a major bump in her path which changed her thinking processes and enabled the dreaded cd downward spiral to take over bernie's note tends to confirm my assumption but for the sake of clarity in digging out the true 'cause' of this tragic 'effect' i would suggest that your words might need a tad bit of correction: >Depression, along with PD, and some other physical >issues, all contributed to her impulsive act ... imho, the physical issues do not 'cause' suicide viz: christopher reeve and stephen hawking are still stirring up 'trouble' the 'physical issues' may 'make us feel' a certain way physically, but they do not 'make us feel' any particular way emotionally or intellectually the way we think about things, the way we perceive the world we think we live in, creates our emotions in most cases we have a choice of how we perceive and thus how we think and thus how we feel [which is what my wysiwyg times three pome is all about] which can be one heck of a concept to wrap one's brain around i've been working on it for a few years now and i think i'm starting to 'get it' any old timers here will testify to the fact that i've been harping on the subject of "perceptions" since july 1997 why do i know the date and the timing so well? that's when i got the gumption to 'go public' again after my cd fog lifted and the world i had previously known [the world that i had almost forgotten had ever existed] came back into my viewfinder maybe i'm splitting hairs here, bernie, but i think i will feel compelled to keep splitting any that i come across until this 'most common disability world wide' which is also the 'most under-diagnosed' one and which has the most tragic and totally needless final symptom as its 'effect' is not only wrassled to the ground but is stomped all over and defeated into the dust one further clarification awhile back up the page i said: >in most cases we have a choice of >how we perceive and thus how we think and thus how we feel the unique and dastardly thing about cd is that it robs us of that choice it is not a physical disability like blindness or paralysis but a measurable bio-physio-chemical change in the chemical balance in a specific part of the brain the causes of the said imbalance can be all sorts of things: heredity, emotional trauma, pharmacological, physical, etc. etc maybe my 'getting' the concept of even *having* a choice in how i perceive things, in how i respond emotionally to my world, was that much more of a shock to me since, at the time, i was in the process of scraping away the cd muck and could barely comprehend the idea of feeling any emotions anyway let alone having control of them so this is jant's rant's summary for today: 1. physical disabilities do not cause cd 2. cd is caused by a brain chemistry change 3. which is reversible and curable 3.a. but 4. which change manifests itself in expression of negative emotions 5. which are considered "no-go" territory in our society 5.a. why? you tell me ... 6. which results in cd wrassling too many of us to the ground instead of the reverse janet so grateful to be here and now ====================================================================== janet paterson 53 now / 41 dx pd / 37 onset pd / 44 dx cd / 43 onset cd tel: 613 256 8340 url: "http://www.geocities.com/janet313/" email: "[log in to unmask]" smail: PO Box 171 Almonte Ontario K0A 1A0 Canada