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Hello Janet. You have just described me from the age of four or five until my twenty-fifth year. At twenty five I met and married my lovely wife. I now look at the world with different eyes. I have learned compassion and yes LOVE, love for all of my fellow beings. I do not feel as if I was missing out on something or other. To give is another way of showing compassion. Anonymously is even better. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us bern.........Peace http://members.teleweb.at/bernard.shaw/poetry.html ----- Original Message ----- From: "janet paterson" <[log in to unmask]> To: <[log in to unmask]> Sent: 01 August 2000 19:35 Subject: perceptions of buttons ... they are getting smaller ... > db > > i can only imagine the kind of awareness > that causes someone to see the world thru bleak blinders > who anticipates cruelty, predatory behaviour, deliberate sabotage at every turn > my tiny experience of abuse at age 4 and threat of repetition over 8 years > left me with a kind of constant hyper-vigilance which gives me > (now that i can actually talk about the whole thing) > a sensitivity to similar awareness in others > > in their eyes > the world is full of danger > any joy out there is a fake, a lure, a dirty trick > much safer to lash out first > than to risk being made > to look a > fool > > my heart aches at such pain > and i feel helpless to deal with it > any attempt on my part can only be perceived as pity and swatted away > kindness and empathy are for > fools > > but what if we are all > not fools at all > not one of us? > > what if we have all been fooling ourselves > as to our vulnerability? > > how do we change the vision > from bleak to clear? > > remove the blindfold > here, i'll help > simple > > > jp > > janet paterson > 53 now / 41 dx pd / 37 onset pd / 44 dx cd / 43 onset cd > tel: 613 256 8340 url: "http://www.geocities.com/janet313/" > email: "[log in to unmask]" smail: PO Box 171 Almonte Ontario K0A 1A0 Canada