gratitude - never! acceptance - maybe i have ti disagree. PD i something iu fight against PD is not something i am grateful for some of the things PD has brought me i may not have had and for some of those things i give thanks but pd never! i will never be grateful for the circumstance that robbed me of my children robbed me of my home robbed me of ,my ability to earn robbed me of a stranger's respect who addresses comments meant for me to my companion robbed me of family life robbed me of my credibility as a total human being. yes, i have become another person knocking on doors at capitol hill accepting charity going to court to fight for my children seeing my children grow up without me looking for where i can be of positive value sharing my experiences with others that they may learn from my mistakes keeping my sense of humour alive - and with it, a sense of proportion and trying to be a support to others in my situation grateful - never but i have learned to live with it and try and make the best of it and i am determined to survive it. hilary blue 51,33,24 Janet Quist wrote: > > (from Camilla)Hi Jan--- yes, I read it, and it is a fine personal statement > of the > importance of attitude in coping with disease--or anything else, for that > matter! Would you be willing to share it on the list? On the PD website? > As for the kids' book, it sounds great--I hope you will let everyone know > when it is available. There are now so many YOPDs with young kids, and > something to help them explain it is surely needed. > > (From me to Camilla)Yes, it is about PD. It is called ""My Mommy has PD - > But It's Okay!" It is > >written on a third grade reading level. It was supposed to be published by > >now but she wants to start by printing 10,000 of them and is having > >difficulty finding someone to fund it. > > Hi! I'm pretty new here but Camilla asked me to share some writing I did a > while back so here goes:: > The Path to Gratitude > By Jan Quist > > I am thankful that I have Parkinson's Disease! I am saying this with a > straight face! I knowâ*|all Parkies have a straight face, but it is really the > truth! I certainly did not always feel this way. The journey was long and > arduous with many problems and doubts along the way. But one day I took a > detour and it changed my life forever. > I was a 3rd grade teacher - a job I dearly loved. I was married for > twenty years with a teen-age son and life was good. Then I noticed I had > trouble reading to the kids at school- a task that they and I dearly loved. > I used to dramatically use different voices for the characters and make > climactic pausesâ*|I was on stage, my audience was rapt and I was getting paid > to have this fun! Then suddenly I was reading like a freight train running > off the track and they couldn't hear me as well. I started getting cramps in > my left foot when I was driving or "under stress" and all of a sudden, my > handwriting was shrinking. I started getting anxious and depressed. I had > the typical problems with diagnosis (or should I say "mis-diagnosis") and > then started playing Psychiatrist/Tests/Doctor/Drugs Roulette - with me, > feeling like the Roulette wheel - spinning around, going nowhere fast, > without much pay-off! For two years, I was puzzled by these mysterious > symptoms, troubled by being unable to teach (or talk!) the way I had been > able to before, frustrated by doctors who wouldn't really listen, or couldn't > diagnose correctly, and in the meantime, drugged into a stupor in which I did > not even recognize myself. To say the least, I felt despair, anxiety about > my career and family, frustration with the unending symptoms, and finally > complete depression over the whole darn mess! > One day I was writhing on the floor in pain and dyskinesia from > over-doses of a drug prescribed to "help" me, I couldn't eat because my mouth > had open sores from another medication, and I could barely talk well enough > to even describe what was happening to me! I was angry, confused, and > desperate (known in 12-step plans as "hitting bottom"). I couldn't seem to > control anything that was happening to me! My son had always called me a > "control freak"- (he was 16 at the time- need I say more?) - although I > suspect there was more than a grain of truth in his accusation. It was at > this moment of despair when my life came together for me! > I had been a daily reader of Sarah Ban Breathnach's book Simple Abundance > and also tried to keep her daily Gratitude Journal. It is actually funny to > read back on it now. First of all, I can't read my own writing, and > secondly, I was so mixed-up, I didn't know what week it was half of the time > much less what day and I kept repeating the same things, and I kept repeating > the same things! > It was at a distinct moment that I tried the only thing that I had not > yet triedâ*|gratitude. My father (a very wise man) and Sarah (after three > years of reading her books, I was on a first name basis with her) along with > the Bible, had all said, "Give thanks in all circumstances." ( I > Thessalonians 5:18) They couldn't have meant nowâ*|or could they?â*| > I was so tired from not sleeping, had cried my tears dry, and my foot was > cramping like crazy, but I dragged myself off the bed and got on my knees. I > held my head in my hands and said, "Okay, God. I can't control what is > happening to me. I give up. Take control, and lead me. Andâ*|thank you for > this disease." > Two friends had referred me to a Dr. Michael Rezak, so the next morning, > I tried calling his office. The receptionist told me that his office was > closed because they had too many patients. I must have sounded pretty > pathetic because she did let me speak to my new "angel", Sue the nurse. > After a few minutes, Sue said, "You know whatâ*|we have had a cancellation for > next Tuesday. Why don't you stop in?" A ray of hopeâ*|I somehow sensed > something good about to happen. > The principal at my school had the good sense to know that I should not > drive alone or be trusted to relay my own symptoms accurately or even > remember what they would tell me. (Such confidenceâ*|but accurate!) She > designated a competent teacher/friend to go with me. When the Dynamic Duo, > Dr. Rezak and Sue Silvio, his nurse, ended our session by saying, " We want > to put you in the hospital and take you off all of this medicine to hopefully > find out what is really wrong with you. We like puzzles around here!"â*|and > Sue ended the session by saying, "Don't leave yet - we also like hugs around > here too!", I knew I had been led to the right spot. > There was still quite a journey left to go, but this time it was a > peaceful one. The nine days in the hospital were a quiet reflective time of > reading, praying, talking to friends and family, entertaining visitors, and > enjoying the daily visit of my faithful parents. A huge burden was taken off > of my shoulders when I realized that I could take all of my sick days and > just stay home to recover. A fellow colleague and friend would take my class > until I could return. The administration at my school could not have been > more understanding. > And so, after twenty-some years of working, I had time to smell the > roses, relax, read, take daily walks with my dogs, get massages from the most > nurturing soul in the universe, and reflect on what was happening to me. > What was happening was not only a change in my body, but a change in my > spirit, my attitude, and my entire view of the universe. I had defined > myself as a teacher for so long, and I now learned that I had value as a > person outside of that realm. I had tried to juggle so many balls at one > time, to stay so busy, and be in control of myself and everyone around me > that it took this illness to make me see that I have only control of my own > attitude and reactions to what was happening to me. Charles Swindoll has > said, "The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. > We cannot change our past, the fact that people will act in a certain way, or > the inevitable. The only string we can play is our attitude. I am convinced > that life is 10% of what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it." > My pal, Sarah Ban Breathnach, (the author) talks about a wonderful > Hasidic parable about the power of gratitude to change the course of our > destiny in "a heartbeat, the speed, I imagine, it takes for a 'thank you' to > reach Heaven's ears." The parable goes like this: > "Once times were tough. Two men - both poor farmers- were walking down a > country lane and met their Rabbi. "How is it for you?" he asked the first > man. "Lousy," he grumbled, bemoaning his lot and lack. Terrible, hard, > awful. Life is not worth getting out of bed for." > Now, God was eavesdropping on this conversation. "Lousy?" the Almighty > thought. "You think your life is lousy now, you ungrateful lout? I'll show > you what lousy is!" > Then the Rabbi turned to the second man. "And you, my friend?" > "Ah, Rabbi- life is good. God is so gracious, so generous. Each morning > when I awaken, I'm grateful for the gift of another day, for I know, rain or > shine, it will unfold in wonders too bountiful to count. Life is good." > God smiled as the second man's thanksgiving soared upwards until it > became one with the harmony of the heavenly hosts. Then the Almighty roared > with delighted laughter. "Good? You think your life is good now? I'll show > you what good is!" > I feel like the "thank you" that I offered up in the depths of my despair > was a gift of faith, trust, and hope. And have the blessings flowed in my > life! I have a new, challenging job in the same school district as a > Curriculum Coordinator. I am able to work many hours at home, sometimes in > the middle of the night when insomnia keeps me "perking". I have had to find > the courage to speak in front of my fellow teachers and found them smiling > encouragement back at me. I have begun to enjoy solitude and spending time > with myself- I'm not a bad companion! I appreciate every day that I can > still be independent, still drive, or walk my dogs. I enjoy daily "chats" > with my 79-year-old mom who learned how to use a computer so she can e-mail > her children. (She is hard-of-hearing and I am "hard-of-talking!") And I > certainly do love and appreciate my family and friends - most of whom know > when to humor me, leave me alone, tell me to "take a nap", or when to just > help. Humor has played a large role in my attitude towards Parkinsons, and > don't you know that when you fall over backwards while squatting down in a > store, and all that your friend sees is your derriere in the air, I > sheepishly look around to see if anyone else saw me, accept Sue's "hand up" > and then think, now THAT must have looked funny! > > Sorry this was so long - if you are still with me that is--- > Jan > 51/47/45?