Sound too true?
FROM: Ms.Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
TO:
Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you
that the office Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at
noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but
plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols... feel
free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our
General Manager shows up
dressed as Santa Claus!
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FROM:
Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas
Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often
coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from
now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to
employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
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FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources
Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I
received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking
table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but
if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA
Only," you wouldn't be anonymous
anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
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FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources
Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we
are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan,
which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy
during daylight hours. There goes
the party! Seriously, we can appreciate
how a luncheon this time of year does
not accommodate our Muslim employees
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of
the party, or else package everything for
take-home in little foil swans.
Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for
members of Overeaters Anonymous
to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the
table
closest to the restrooms. Did I miss
anything?
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FROM: Pat Smith,
Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December
22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a
tap-dance on
your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of
sage by our
"earth-based Goddess worshipping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate
your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
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FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources
Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing
sinister was intended by having our principal dress
up like Santa Claus! Even
if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
Satan," there is no evil
connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
It's a tradition, folks,
like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over
the Thanksgiving turkey or
broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we
lighten up?
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FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources
Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had
it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can
sit
quietly at the table
furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly
put it, and you'll get
your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic
tomatoes...but you know,
they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you
slice them. I've heard them
scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!
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FROM: Karen Jones, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:
December 14
RE:Ms. Pat Smith and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of
us in wishing Pat Smith a speedy recovery from
her stress-related illness and
I'll continue to forward your cards to her at
the sanitarium. In the
meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday
Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy
Holidays