> For those of us that are done or nearly finished raising our kids we know
> the truth in this. For those of you considering starting a family read
> carefully. {:o) Ahhh, the memories! Seriously though, our children in
> spite of all this were and still are a joy, wouldn't do anything over
> differently if I had it to do over. Of course, that's a man speaking, the
> Mothers might feel a little differently about doing it again.
>
Darwin, whose motto is:
> There's a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." Dave
> Berry
>
>
>
> HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:
>
> MESS TEST
> Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish
> stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
>
> TOY TEST
> Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute
> roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house.
> Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.
> Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
>
> GROCERY STORE TEST
> Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take
> them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay
> for anything they eat or damage.
>
> DRESSING TEST
> Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small
> net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
>
> FEEDING TEST
> Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
> Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging.
> Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the
> jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the
> contents of the jug on the floor.
>
> NIGHT TEST
> Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12
> pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m.
> begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down
> your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your
> bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a
> dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for
> 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
> Look cheerful.
>
> INGENUITY TEST
> Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of
> paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper
> tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use
> only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk
> carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs.
> Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
>
> AUTOMOBILE TEST
> Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice
> cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it
> there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a
> family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into
> the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
> There, perfect.
>
> PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
> Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of
> your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of
> the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes.
> You won't be wearing them for a while.
>
> PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
> Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter.
> Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest
> food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your
> paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a
> newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
>
> FINAL ASSIGNMENT
> Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on
> how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance,
> toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways
> they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never
> allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It
> will be the last time you will have all the answers.
>
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Quick Wit:
>
> I broke up with someone, and she said, "You'll never find
> anyone like me again." And I'm thinking, I hope not! If I
> don't want you, why would I want someone just like you? Does
> anybody end a bad relationship and say, "By the way, do you
> have a twin?"
> -- Larry Miller
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
