----- Original Message -----
Sent: Friday, November 24, 2000 7:28
AM
Subject: Santa: the real story
If Santa answered his mail
honestly...
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.
Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice
spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a
fucking book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older
brother the space ranger. At least HE can
spell!
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl
all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for
everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot
when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I
don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and
daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the
babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give
that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's
time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos
instead.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a
Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a
tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid
"Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
----------
Dear
Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear
Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
scotch.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other
364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your
friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I
have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno
films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to
know.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're
sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the
song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that
gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your
house.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a
puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
-
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but
that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater
again.
Santa
----------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney
in our house, how do you get into our
home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky",
that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live
in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your
pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet
Dreams,
Santa
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