... continued from part 1
later
i am back
i'm using a sinemet cr to cruise me through
the half egg sandwich i scarfed
on my way out the door
during hormone hell periods
sometimes i get nervous about just how much time i'll have on
so when i'm on
i tend to race the clock
i just did the week's grocery shopping in record time!
i remind myself sometimes of the white rabbit!
i'm about 80 percent kicked in right now
4:20 pm and we'll see how she goes
emotional?
hmmmm ...
this is a situation that crops up every 90 minutes for me
of every day of every week of every month of every year
(when my hormones aren't running rampant)
if i catch the timing just right
(and if the stars are with me)
i can avoid a major 'off'
completely
but then again
maybe i'll hit a hormone hell day
or maybe even three or four in a row
when i have more 'off' time than 'on' all day
when i get 'stuck' somewhere unexpectedly for three or four hours
(= the condom counter story!)
this is the way i am
and close to the way i have been for ten years and more
it's 'normal' for me
the unpredictabliity of the hormone 'offs' can be frustrating
but i don't see any point in fighting it and getting mad
what good would that do?
the irony with pd is,
if i get emotional, i get kicked out even further
so i just take it as it comes
as i do with life
what else can i do?
i can look at the 'off' times as a frustration and a pain and a
loss
or
i can look at them
as enforced slowdowns
e.g. ma nature forcing me to put on the brakes
for a good reason, i am sure
(and i think i have started to find parts of that reason)
i have noticed that other people, friends and strangers alike
seem to react more emotionally to my pd than i do
maybe just because it's new to them
the other day i was semi 'off'
in an italian grocery store with my sister
she went through the checkout line
i shuffled through another way
and she beat me to the car
i noticed a woman in the checkout line
watching me and though i didn't look directly at her
(not out of embarrassment - i was too busy concentrating on my
feet)
i got a distinct impression that she had an expression of
pity / sympathy / empathy on her face
kickin out a tad now
my legs are getting a bit stiff
but anyway
i may sound like this is all matter of fact and so what
and that is truly how i feel about it
bemoaning my pd and its symptoms
is a waste of my time and energy
like bemoaning my height or my hair colour or my freckles
i'm doing what i can to deal with the situation
as much as i want to
e.g. i used to dye my hair to hide the grey
but i don't bother anymore
i kind of like the grey as it is
i certainly can't do anything about my freckles
some people hate them
some people love them
i can't see them either way
they are just me
this is the way i was made
'i was like this when i got here'
so
i don't know what i can tell you about the emotional aspect
of my on and off periods
or as i call them sometimes
my kicked in and kicked out states
(irregardless, i'm always kickin)
when i can't walk or type, i lie down
and try to let my muscles relax as much as possible
i sometimes think that relaxing them
helps to speed up
the 'kick-in'
so
i do crossword puzzles, or if i don't feel up to that
i read, or if i don't feel up to that
i think, or
i meditate, or
i look at things, or
i listen to things, and you know where that gets me!
4:35 pm
still 'on' but my back is pinching
heck - i've had forty years of hormones
i'm done, i'm not in need of anymore!
after i received my diagnosis of pd, i felt deathly afraid
but that fear was based on ignorance and shock
and has dissipated completely
i have always felt very hopeful in the long term
about treatments and even a possible cure
viz
the new drugs and surgeries
that have become available just in the past ten years
i could have been 'given' a much harder test than pd
viz
christopher reeve and stephen hawking ...
relatively speaking this is a cake walk!
irregardless
i'm going to make sure i pass this exam with flying colours
and learn as much as i can from it
i've always been nosy as heck
and always want to know how and why things are the way they are
so i think i've been given 'mulling' and 'digging' time
but now
i'm stiffening up a tad more
and i'm going to lie myself down with my kitties
janet paterson
2000/08/13
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janet paterson, an akinetic rigid subtype, albeit perky, parky
PD: 54/41/37 CD: 54/44/43 TEL: 613 256 8340 EMAIL: [log in to unmask]
"a new voice" home page: http://www.geocities.com/janet313/ .
"new voice news" latest posts: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/nvnNET/ .
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