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Post: 039591
Date: 1998/03/29
Subj: your work is not your worth
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hi greg
you wrote:
>Dear Janet,
>Wow! At first glance this appears to be wonderful way of
eliminating
>worry that is self-inflicted. But isn't all worry self-inflicted
...
not necessarily
the problem here can be figuring out whether our worries
are based on rational concerns
or on irrational ones
a great deal of unnecessary worry is created
by those automatic negative thoughts that
most people have running in their minds
we can be our own worst critics
>Much of it would seem to be controlled by one's self
>and in fact how we respond to someone elses actions
>would correlate our feelings as a result ...
exactly!
the childhood saying
"sticks and stones may break my bones but names can never hurt
me"
is based on a rock solid truth
it's my re-action to the name-calling / opinion / action /
whatever
that can cause me pain
>However, let us not fool ourselves into believing that
>worth is not tangible in relation to human emotions ...
i'm not clear on your meaning here
i understand 'tangible' to mean touchable,
i.e. having three dimensions, etc
i believe that dr. burns is saying
that 'worth' is a concept, an idea, and thus is intangible
>If we philosophize in this way we may have fewer ulcers and
>gray hairs, but society would be the loser. I can not imagine
>what the product of such rationale would be. I can agree that
>self-worth can not be measured in material worth or possessions,
>however it seems to me there are enough people out there that
>have no regard for how they feel about themselves or what impact
>they have on others. There needs to be more accountablity and
>responsibility ...
in my opinion
a lack of regard for others
is profoundly based on a lack of regard for oneself
we are where we have been
we perceive our world through a filter
coloured and shaded by our own past experiences
it takes a lot of hard scrubbing to clean that filter
so as to be able to perceive others and their actions clearly
i am not responsible for the way others treat me
i am only responsible for the way i treat others
rose lane (paraphrased)
i cannot change others'
behaviour toward me / opinions of me / reactions to me
i can only change my own
in "the road less traveled and beyond"
m. scott peck says:
...the further we proceed in diminishing
our narcissism, our self-centredness, and sense of
self-importance,
the more we discover ourselves becoming
not only less fearful of death
but also less fearful of life
and this is the basis for learning to become more
loving
no longer burdened
by the need to constantly protect and defend ourselves,
we are able to lift our eyes off ourselves
and truly recognise others
and we begin to experience a sustained underlying sense
of happiness
that we have never experienced before as we become
progressively more self-forgetful...
>The following excerpt appears to be very
>apathetic to others not to themselves ...
i'm not clear on your meaning here
>>your "unit of worth"
>>can't be measured
>>and can never change
>>and it is the same for everyone
>>
>>during your lifetime
>>you can enhance your happiness and satisfaction
>>through productive living
>>or
>>you can act in a destructive manner
>>and make yourself miserable
>>but
>>your "unit of worth" is always there
>>along with your potential for self-esteem and joy
>...
>It is the destructive manner that will impact others that
>needs some attachment to a person's own feelings about worth.
>If we don't hold ourselves accountable in some measurable way
>we will disintegrate our already fragile moral integrity ...
i don't think we disagree here
we all have a choice
between living in a productive or destructive way
i believe that dr. burns is saying
that all human beings have their own intrinsic worth
regardless of the paths that they choose / stumble onto
maybe we are looking at this from opposite directions?
you seem to be saying that
people should have more regard for others
[it would be nice if they did, but lots of them don't,
and we can't change their behaviour]
and thus would gain regard for themselves
[we can't earn regard or worth; we have it already in us
but our murky filters that keep us from seeing / accepting it]
>>acknowledge that everyone has one "unit of worth"
>>from the time they are born
>>until the time they die
>>
>>as an infant
>>you may achieve very little
>>and yet you are still precious and worthwhile
>>
>>when you are old or ill
>>relaxed or asleep
>>or just doing "nothing"
>>you still have "worth"
>
>At both of these stages of life
>there is often the need for help from others ...
my 'neatening' of dr. burns' phrasing may have misled you
he refers to more than just two situations:
1. infant
2. old
3. ill
4. relaxed
5. asleep
an infant is totally dependent on others for basic survival
someone who is old or ill may be dependent to some degree
someone who is simply relaxed or asleep is probably not dependent
at all
in all these cases, the individuals could be described as
'doing nothing worthwhile' or 'being unproductive'
by someone with very murky filters
>If we throw away the concept that what we do to respond
>to people in need and relate to some value to ourselves,
>there would be even more neglect than we see today.
>There wouldn't appear to be any gain ...
i don't understand your meaning here
>I don't accept that it would relieve stress and eventually less
>worry would lead to some better existence for all ...
i'm not clear on your meaning here either
i don't think any of dr. burns' or scott peck's ideas
could ever be construed as resulting in less worry or more 'ease'
quite the opposite in fact
the more we look
the more we see
the more we see
the more we discover
for example
here is scott peck's philosophical progression
[from his first book written when he was 40
to his more recent book written when he was 60]
1. life is difficult
2. life is complex
3. there are no easy answers
>Self-esteem is built on a foundation of respect for ones self
...
yes ...
>in response to how they handle others problems
>or any situation that we encounter...
aha!
this is where we diverge
in my humble opinion
my / your / our worthiness is
intrinsic, inherent, pre-existing, built-in, a given, a standard
feature,
organic,
implicit, rooted, inalienable, entrenched, tacit, innate,
indigenous, natural,
and,
last but not least,
unconditional
it took me a long time to come around to this concept
but i did
and my reaction to it now is:
ain't that great!?!
>When I think of my own self-esteem or worth,
>I admit I'm a little too harsh on myself at times ...
you or i may do stupid / hateful / insensitive things
but that does not mean we are inherently stupid / hateful /
insensitive
*or of less worth*
we are simply stumbling down the path as well as we can
with the skills that we have at the time
>But, counter to that are my feelings of joy
>at making someone else happy ...
i don't believe that we have the capability of
making
anyone else
feel any emotion
i could give flowers / a hug / a salary increase
to ten different people
and get ten different responses
based on their ten different filters
in the same way that
no one else
can make
us
feel any emotion
>And that may be narcisistic, but it certainly makes me
>feel elated and worthy when in fact there is an exchange
>or collaborative effort and two or more people can share
>their worthiness and respect for caring enough in the first
>place to elicit these emotions ...
i'm not denying the pleasure
felt in helping or collaborating with others
i just don't think it 'results' in an increase in true
self-esteem or worth
>I find when I really have caused someone elses pain or
>just said the hell with it I do have a conscience and
>that would have to be a byproduct of my self-esteem or worth.
you seem to be measuring your worth
based on the effect of your behaviour on others
further to my ten 'friends' above
what if i gave flowers to someone who was allergic?
what if i hugged someone who was agoraphobic [?] -or -phobic?
what if i gave a raise to someone who really wanted recognition
instead?
>Even as I write this I am feeling some pangs of unworthiness
(worry).
>They are derived from not wanting to overreact and make this
personal ...
you are being thoughtful and considerate of others
i.e. doing the work of pure and simple love
by writing as you have
your struggle is your success
not my reaction to it
your worth is not based on
the 'successful' outcome of your struggle
the facts of your concern and your effort and your worry
to me
reflect your inherent kindness
[no preening allowed!]
>It is towards my feelings, but doesn't that make the world
>a better place. We should never be a perfectionist in regards
>to ourselves, because that is unrealistic ...
totally and absolutely completely
we are human
the only way humans learn is by making mistakes
>however, if we don't hold ourselves accountable in some
>tangible way it would surely have a negative impact.
i didn't say anything about not being accountable / responsible
but we do have to know the true limits / extents
of our influence
whew!... thanks greg... i think!
with love from your cyber sibling in stumbling
janet
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janet paterson: an akinetic rigid subtype, albeit perky, parky .
pd: 54/41/37 cd: 54/44/43 tel: 613 256 8340 email: [log in to unmask] .
snail mail: 375 Country Street, Apt 301, Almonte, Ontario, Canada, K0A 1A0 .
a new voice: the nnnewsletter: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/janet313/ .
a new voice: the wwweb site: http://www.geocities.com/janet313/ .
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