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Joan, A belated thank you for posting these middle of the night thoughts. The use of a wheelchair for Bob has also just recently been foreshadowed, so your post was well timed. Sincere good wishes JOY Graham >This is a requiem. > >It is a pity-party for my old life that I need to get out of my system >and to get over. > >It hurts so badly….but I shall survive and life will go on as it always >has; I will feel strong again and the sun will come out tomorrow….but it >is late at night and I feel this awful pain of letting go. > >Today, my life took a turn and I can never have it the way it used to be >or even make believe anymore that it will ever be the same again. > >I am hurting and sad and so very angry. > >You see, today, after months of talking about it and putting it off and >denying that it was even ever real, all the pieces came together: my >neuro wrote me a script, a letter saying that it was a real necessity, >my insurance company oked the entire thing and a very nice man came to >my house this afternoon with 3 wheelchairs for me to test drive. > >Now it’s all over but the shouting and the delivery of my new >jazzy-cobalt blue, 28 inches wide, turns on a dime, power wheelchair. >She’s a beauty all right and I am determined to make my peace with >her-just as I did with my blue 28 inch high Schwin back when I was >growing up. But that was then and this is now. Back in my youth, my >bike was my declaration of freedom; I was the oldest of 6 kids and my >mom didn’t drive and my dad traveled 5 days out of the week. My bike was >my get out of jail free card and my get out of the house full of >brothers and sisters and my letting my pony tail free so that I could >think straight. That was then…I don’t even think that getting my >driver’s license ever gave me the thrill of waving good-bye and heading >out to face life on my bike. > >But this is now…Now because of this stupid disease that I have come to >terms with over and over again has me down for the count once again. > >It is the thought that once I begin to use the chair, it will become >easy for me to get around in and it will become a habit. For so many >years, I prided myself on my independence: before marriage, during >marriage when Stan was sent to Dessert Storm and after he came home-I >tried and succeeded in maintaining my independence. Even since the >diagnosis of my PD 11 years ago, I have managed to go my own way, never >looking backwards or allowing any time for regrets. > >That all changed today. It is another milestone in my life that I cannot >hide from or pretend that it isn’t there. It will be there all right, in >all of its shiny glory. It is a rite of passage like when the head neuro >at Mayo said, “Yes it is really Parkinson’s Disease” or when a judge >finally said, “Your Social Security Disability which you have requested >is granted” and one of the daily concessions that People Living With >Parkinson’s make just to accommodate this damn disease. > >I was so proud of the way that I had handled this, I likened it to the >oyster of life: when you get a piece of shit in your shell it irritates >and bothers you until slowly your mind wraps itself around this irritant >shaping it and polishing it until one day, it becomes a pearl. > >This was my pearl…I had shaped it with the thoughts of how much more I >will be able to accomplish once I no longer have to spend all of my >energy on staying vertical and how much more time I will have when I no >longer must spend so much of my day hauling my fat ass up off the floor. >And won’t it be a relief not to fall 25 times a day- cause, boy, this >ole bod sure don’t heal like it used to. > >I know in my head that all of this is true and in the daylight, sanity >will return to me but it is the middle of the night and all I can think >of is how, at 50 years of age, my life will be lived out seeing the >world from a seated position. > >La chiam!! > >---------------------------------------------------------------------- >To sign-off Parkinsn send a message to: mailto:[log in to unmask] >In the body of the message put: signoff parkinsn Bob & Joy Graham 37 D Fremantle Village Lot 1, Cockburn Rd South Fremantle WA 6162 Australia Ph & Fax (08) 9430 4730 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- To sign-off Parkinsn send a message to: mailto:[log in to unmask] In the body of the message put: signoff parkinsn