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CALIFORNIA: ELDERCARE: The Miles Can't Prevent Her From Being Close UNION-TRIBUNE March 13, 2004 Asked about life as a commuter daughter, Patrice Taylor crosses her eyes. Then she shrugs and smiles. Commuting 1,000 air miles round-trip every time her parents need her has become routine since her dad's health took a nose dive. Patrice lives in Northern California and her parents in San Diego. The couple had been sharing a two-bedroom apartment in an independent-living community until her dad moved to a nearby skilled-nursing facility a few weeks ago. At 87, he has Parkinson's disease and macular degeneration and is on a feeding tube after a bad bout of pneumonia and a staph infection put him in the hospital for two months. Patrice's mom, 84, remains in the apartment, with a pacemaker, while her diabetes is under control. She still drives, she says with pride, and she spends much of her time by her husband's side. Patrice says her father cannot walk or even stand, but his mind is alert. And though he had signed a health-care directive about six years ago, directing doctors not to prolong his life through extraordinary means, he has changed his mind. "He still wants to hang on." He's decided he even wants to be maintained in a coma, Patrice says, marveling at the will to live. Priorities Patrice says she's OK with her father's decision, understands her parents still need each other. "They've been a team for over 60 years. I think they keep going for each other. He worries about her; I think that's partly why he wants to stay alive." So the Dutiful Daughter shuttles between Auburn and San Diego, between the apartment and the skilled-nursing facility. Endures the lengthy airport security checks and totes a suitcase that hurts her own bad arm and shoulder, because she doesn't want to check an unlocked suitcase filled with her parents' important papers. She's always loved to travel, she says laughing, though jetting from one end of the state to the other isn't her ideal. Her dream is taking off for New Zealand, though she's had to postpone that trip. She has averaged about five six-day visits a year to see her parents. But she's made three trips here since Christmas, leaving her husband at home with their cat. A dental hygienist, she now works only four days a month, because of her own health problems. Her sister, she says, does what she can, popping up in San Diego about four times a year, for 36-hour visits. "She says she doesn't do medical, but she doesn't do financial either." Sure, the Dutiful Daughter admits, she's a little resentful. "But it's just the family dynamics; you deal with it and just go on. Luckily, I learned a long time ago that life is not fair." Patrice has the powers of attorney for both parents and, fortunately, a wry sense of humor. Her ability to appreciate the absurdity of life keeps her going. Her plans change day by day and second by second, she says. "I've got to be flexible." Fortunately, she points out, her folks both have long-term care insurance policies with daily benefit rates that cover approximately half the cost of her dad's care facility, and there is no maximum payout. So money hasn't become a big problem. Never a parent to young kids, Patrice says she's learned to parent her parents from experience. "I'm a very strict parent." Meanwhile, she's learned some important lessons from her ordeal. Patrice has her own long-term care policy insurance policy. And she and her husband are remodeling their house, making a studio apartment on the ground floor, in case they need it later on. NOTE: If you haven't already picked up a copy of the 2004 San Diego Eldercare Directory, you can find one at a Union- Tribune office, your neighborhood library or a nearby senior community center. Marsha Kay Seff is a Union-Tribune staff writer and editor of the San Diego Eldercare Directory. Write to her at The San Diego Union-Tribune, 2375 Northside Drive, #300, San Diego, CA 92108 or send e-mail to [log in to unmask] SOURCE: San Diego Union Tribune, CA http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/features/20040313-9999-news_1c13seff.html * * * ---------------------------------------------------------------------- To sign-off Parkinsn send a message to: mailto:[log in to unmask] In the body of the message put: signoff parkinsn