Parkinson's Disease A Very Private Journey Taken Public Photo by Diana Rose Levine By Cindy Beth Bittker Some people get a flashy convertible sports car when they turn 50. Not me. I got Parkinson's Disease. Actually I was diagnosed the first time at 48, the second, third and fourth times at 49, and the fifth and final time at 50 when I finally believed that I really have this disease. During this time, I have been on a very private journey, and oddly, one that I've had to take in public. This is the kind of disease you just can't hide very well for very long. Early on, the symptoms are subtle, and it is was easy to attribute them to pre-existing problems that logically come about with age. Sometimes I attributed them to inanimate objects. I had six keyboards replaced because I thought the left sided keys were sticking down. (Sorry about that, Dell.) It took me better than a year to realize that the problem was not one of universal keyboard design. Parkinson's disease is a slow, progressive degenerative neurological disease and the symptoms that begin subtly become more pronounced, more pervasive, more debilitating. At some point my symptoms broke through the denial that had kept me in keyboards for years. There is a period of time, a very private and personal time, between learning that you have a disease like Parkinson's, that is both incurable and degenerative, and accepting that your future does not look like the future that you had in mind for yourself. During that period of time, that transition into acceptance, telling people about your disease is very difficult, because you see in the faces of the people you tell, the anxiety, fears and projected life losses that you have not yet fully accepted within yourself. Integrating the realities of having a life-changing disease and potentially life-threatening disease is a very personal and private journey. A very difficult part of this particular disease, for me, was that as my mind was taking this journey from denial into acceptance privately, - my body was taking the journey public. Hiding the tremors becomes increasingly difficult as the disease progresses. And the cruel irony of trying to hide the tremor is that nervousness amplifies tremor significantly. So, if you are self conscious about your tremor showing, your tremor gets worse. I think it's nature's way of accelerating the process of getting comfortable with the disease so that you can go on with your life. And tremor is only one of many other symptoms of Parkinson's disease, some that other people can see and some they cannot. It took me several years to get to the point of accepting my diagnosis, and being able to be open about my disease with people I know, and now even with people I don't know. Because Parkinson's disease is so personal to me, I hope to keep a focus on Parkinson's in hullmagazine.com. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- To sign-off Parkinsn send a message to: mailto:[log in to unmask] In the body of the message put: signoff parkinsn