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In a message dated 17/04/2007 07:09:01 GMT Standard Time, [log in to unmask] writes: I LOVE THIS - IT SAYS IT ALL: 319 Monday, April 16, 2007 - BACKSTAGE AT THE ANTI-RESEARCH ACADEMY AWARDS "I laugh, that I may not weep."-A. Lincoln Remember the secret Energy department meeting, whose deliberations were never made public? This is the one that the Bush Administration took all the way to the Supreme Court to protect its privacy, so we do not know what went on in those pre-Iraq invasion talks. A similar meeting was recently held by 72 Florida Republican legislators, to hear the anti-embryonic stem cell research viewpoints of a religiously-oriented scientist. Democrats and the press were not welcome. When secrecy is imposed, the mind is freed to imagine.. I got to wondering, what if there was an Anti-Stem Cell Research Academy, and they all got together for a special Awards night-and we got to watch? They'd have a red carpet outside the building, maybe a commentator. Ladies and Gentlemen, we take you now to the Anti-Stem Cell Research Academy Awards! Excitement is building-what an honor to be here, in support of the perpetual illness and injury philosophy-thanks to the efforts of those we honor tonight, cure has been put off for years to come. Not only are we protecting the sacred existence of microscopic dots in Petri dishes everywhere, but also the jobs of those who depend on chronic disease and disability. Think of it-do we want to put our hospitals and doctors out of work, or diminish the profits of our health care industry? Chronic injury is the very bedrock of-what's that? Oh, sorry! We're running late, let's go inside, I'll fill you in on the gossip as we go. Look, there's Ann Coulter, isn't she stunning? Let's listen to her speech, I heard she was upset because her latest book, "Liberals, May They Burn in Hell" was accused of-- "Plagiarism? Is it plagiarism just because my list of objections to stem cell research is a teensy bit similar to by some obscure Illinois right-to-life group? My list is very different from their list-look, here is my list, compare it for yourselves-I used a comma, see, they have a semi-colon-you can't see the difference, you bunch of closet liberals!" There was also just a smidgeon of unpleasantness in the Anti-science Celebrity award. "It should have been me!", said Patricia Heaton, star of "Almost everyone loves Raymond", "Wasn't it me who starred in the anti-stem cell research TV commercial with the actor who played Jesus in the movies-I mean, we got him to talk trash about stem cell research in Aramaic!" said Ms Heaton, star of Raley's commercials. "Hey, I was the one-it was me who accused-stem cell scientists-- child sacrifice!", said Mr. Gibson, waving a bottle in a brown paper sack. He went on to say something we could not quite make out-- about Jewish policemen? Oh, listen! "And now, The Don Imus Award for Cultural Sensitivity goes to. Ruuuush Limbaugh!" The crowd is really behind this one, for Rush's his brilliant attack on Michael J. Fox. Limbaugh's statement on Fox's Parkinson's disease, "Hey, the man is an actor!" is an example of the courage required to be an anti-research advocate. It should also be pointed out that big Rush's "apology" gave him another opportunity to repeat the charges, taking credit for graciousness, while never actually apologizing at all. Unfortunately, Mr. Limbaugh was unable to attend, due to a problem with his medications. The first coveted Anti-Science Scientist award went to Dr. David Prentice, who was deeply moved at being named the number one A.S.S. in America. "You think it is easy, being the only scientist in America willing to say what I say? Where would you politicians be without my list of 72 adult stem cell cures-I mean treatments-well, benefits-I mean human trials-" His remarks went overtime, and he had to be removed. A special award was given to the Tobacco Industry, for their imaginative use of the word "controversial"-as long as one person can be found who will say, the cancer issue is "controversial", the press is honor bound to present the issue as one with two sides. The "Tobacco Smoke is Good for You" award was given to every politician who uses the word "controversial" when it comes to embryonic stem cell research. Regrettably, the tobacco executives used their time to make extraneous remarks. "Why no", said the tobacco companies, "we would never make massive donations to the Missouri Catholic Church's anti-stem cell campaign just because there was a tobacco tax initiative on the ballot that same day and we wanted conservatives to turn out." A standing ovation was given the legendary Snarl Shove, in whose name the "Weapons of Mass Deception" Award was developed. His speech was so moving. "Look, before we could invade Iraq, we had to have a reason, okay?" said Snarl, "and we couldn't just say it was bad stuff done by the dictator, because we had been supporting him for years, so instead-we accuse him of nuclear bombs! "So we couldn't find any later on, big deal, who remembers? "Anyway, you want to disqualify Democrats from voting? First pick your target audience-the ones who need government programs, the poor, the old, the disabled, right? If you can disenfranchise that block of voters-wow! "But no politician wants to publicly say, take away the votes from the blind, the paralyzed, the unemployed, the elderly, sob sob boo hoo-right? "So you need an imaginary crisis, to which you must react. "You need to convince voters there is a massive voting fraud, a bunch of people voting multiple times. and you fire 7 or 8 government prosecutors if they won't find somebody to prosecute. the rest gets the message loud and clear. "That "voter fraud scandal" gave us the excuse to impose a mandatory Photo ID card. Hey, it passed the House of Representatives on a party-line vote-- "A government-issue photo ID is the key to power-because, let's face it, for most people the only government-issue photo ID in their wallet is their driver's license. Do blind people drive? Do poor people own cars? Disenfranchise eleven million Democrats and there it is-the permanent Republican majority." Mr. Shove was carried off on the shoulders of an admiring throng. Among the smaller awards, Leon Kass was given the Ideological Purity award for his firing of the two pro-embryonic stem cell scientists on the Presidential Bioethics Committee. He was also praised for clinging to his anti-in vitro fertility clinic stance. Some have been hypocritical enough to accept the "test tube baby factories", but not Leon Kass. Remember that man who held up his two twin sons, and said, "Which baby would you have me kill?", talking about the "leftover" blastocysts. Thank goodness nobody told him that Leon Kass would have denied life to both his sons, because Kass would have shut down IVF clinics completely. The Catholic Church was gently admonished to release more of its treasure to direct campaign contributions. However, a visiting representative stated they would not long remain the largest property holder on earth if they did much more to help Sam Brownback become President, and besides it was unconstitutional, and might interfere with their tax-free status. And no, they were not going to follow through with the suggestion by a certain cardinal that all supporters of embryonic stem cell research should be excommunicated-that would cost them 72% of the American Catholic membership? It was decided to give two awards to the Democratic Senators Opposed to research, honoring both Ben Nelson and Bob Casey, they being the only two Democrats in the Senate to vote against the Stem Cell Research Enhancement Act. Both men were warmly welcomed, and invited to switch parties. The seventeen religious groups which made up the total opposition to the Stem Cell Research Enhancement Act were honored, and had their names listed in the program. A suggestion was made to include an "Enemies List" of the five hundred and eighteen groups in support of embryonic stem cell research, but the program was not large enough. The state of Texas received a special award for only allowing the pro-embryonic stem cell research supporters to speak at a 2:30 in the morning, when the press was gone-"Hey, we let them talk, didn't we?!" laughed Mr. Alamo. Florida Republican Anitere Flores won the coveted "Bait and Switch" award, for her brilliant bill, 1065, which contained $20 million for Adult Stem Cell Research (and a ban on state funding of embryonic stem cell research)-and then removed the money! Several adult stem cell scientists were nominated for providing justification for banning embryonic stem cell research-if adult stem cell research works, why do we need embryonic-but unfortunately all the adult stem cell scientists also supported embryonic stem cell research, and were therefore considered insufficiently pure. Senator Sam Brownback and Representative David Weldon received the "Cruel to be Kind" Award for their Cloning Prohibition Act, which would have jailed scientists, doctors, patients and parents to ten years in jail and a million dollar fine if they had anything to do with Somatic Cell Nuclear Transfer. In a separate meeting, a movement was made to publicly eject from the party those 17 Republican Senators who voted in support of the Stem Cell Research Enhancement Act. It was pointed out, however, that their votes were needed to continue the President's tax cuts. In a substitute measure, the words "Republican moderate" were stricken from the official vocabulary, and replaced with the more accurate scientific term "damned to hell for all eternity". Presidential Candidate Mitt "I went Hunting Two Times" Romney received a "Junior Achiever" award for his outstanding willingness to abandon previous support of research. The award for Most Brilliant Use of a Visual Image went to the slide projection of a three month old fetus on the screen when talking about microscopic embryonic stem cells. President George Bush received a lifetime achievement award, but was unable to accept, being too busy continuing not only his good work in Iraq and the attempt to privatize social security, but also to rethink global warming as a positive: fewer blankets would be needed on cold nights, because there would be fewer cold nights. "It's all in how you look at things", said the President, "When others look at melting ice caps, they see a problem; but I see it as the glass more than half-full-overflowing. That is why I am the decider, and not Al Gore". Jeb Bush, sadly, was a little miffed at all the attention given his big brother: "Not my fault he got to be President first! Wait till I get my turn! He supported ten years in jail for scientists that had anything to do Somatic Cell Nuclear Transfer? I'll do better than that-I'll go for public execution! Hah-and hey, even though I am technically out of office, I still tell Republicans in Florida what to do-look at Governor "Chicken Charlie" Crist-he campaigned on a promise to support embryonic stem cell research-who do you think got him to abandon those views after he was safely elected?" Senators Norm Coleman and Johnny Isacson received the "Most Loyal Bushie" award for their "Hope Act", Senate Bill S 30, which most supports President Bush's policy while appearing to allow new research. It allows embryonic stem cell research to go forward-wait for it-on dead embryos! If the House of Representatives can be similarly persuaded, this new law would establish a permanent prohibition against federal funds for any research which "endangers an embryo". Sadly, one of the audience members, (plainly intoxicated) was heard to mutter, "Endanger an embryo? Millions of embryos are lost by married women every month-what's next, are we going to be guilty of manslaughter because we have a period?" She was removed. By Don Reed www.stemcellbattles.com ---------------------------------------------------------------------- To sign-off Parkinsn send a message to: mailto:[log in to unmask] In the body of the message put: signoff parkinsn Brilliantly written, but I suspect stupidity, greed and laziness is being mistaken for conspiracy - which requires energy & intelligence. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- To sign-off Parkinsn send a message to: mailto:[log in to unmask] In the body of the message put: signoff parkinsn