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Patti, lets begin with the fact that you have given your daughter a great deal so that she could become an independent adult. She is now 24 years old, married and, because of your past support, should be able to take care of her own financial and emotional problems. My daughter also had a weight problem and was in a stressful job. When I talked with her about her weight I always said that the solution was up to her, but gave her resources to access in order for her to gain control. She saw a dietitian and then consulted with her doctor about how difficult it was for her to lose weight while gaining it took very little extra food. Her doctor discovered that she had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and put her on Metformin, a agent that helped her body metabolize carbohydrates. Wendy learned 'portion control', no longer drinks soft drinks, exercises every day and has lost somewhere around 80 pounds. The weight came off slowly but the most important thing is that my daughter has made lifestyle changes that will serve her well until the end of her days. I want you to understand that you no longer 'owe' your daughter anything. Don't let her lay a guilt trip on you. She is your daughter, but not your dependent and she needs to embrace her adulthood. If she needs extra money, she should earn it. If she is overweight, she needs to embrace a change - this is not up to anyone but her. By continuing to give her money you are enabling her dependence. Time to cut the apron strings. If she fails, she fails - it her responsibility to become a functioning adult (or not). She is no longer your problem. ------- Love Mary Ann > I need help and prayed for guidance and here i find myself writing to > all of you for advice. > > Our 24 year old, gorgeous daughter, has become obese over the last 4 > years. > She has had wellness check ups and all results were normal. > She has never struggled with her weight before, until she got out on her > on, attended college (not the one of her dreams), met her husband, and > has little financial support from her dad and i, as we pretended to be > able to bring her what she hoped for. We did pay for a lovely afternoon > wedding, but her university schooling has been mostly paid for with her > own grants, loans, and scholarships. > > You see, our daughter is very smart . She wants to earn a good salary, > and she has figured getting a degree as an cpa accountant will bring her > that. In the meantime, her young husband had to pay for his way into > school too, just graduated with a 4 year degree, and has big student > loans of his own, that now need to be paid off, and he is working towards > that goal. Her husband is a hard worker and wants to be able to provide > for her. He is a physical trainer at a nice health club and is able to > work out with our daughter, a couple of times a week there. These two > are both 24 years young and married almost 2 years. > > Her dad and i really have had blinders on when it comes to running out of > money,. In our younger years of raising our daughter and son, we > pretended not to be concerned about running out of money, not thinking > that a disease like Parkinsons' would be so disabling, until we are where > we are now, and realize the Parkinson's has not only cost us not only > alot of money, but also has caused us to be less than great parents. > > Our daughter is our first child together (my husband has 3 older > siblings). She has been the spot light of our life until her brother > came along and stole some of that light. She feels that i favor our son, > which i hope not to be doing, but fear sometimes it comes across like > that, altho not intentionally. > > Her dad, myself, and our daughter have all gone to a counselor and > discussed her issues at different appointments. We have offered to pay > for her to see a doctor that maybe could help her gain control of her > weight, but she is now highly offended. Originally, when we discussed > this with our daughter three years ago, she asked if we thought she was > depressed, and we said no we didn't and left it at that. I thought oh > no, a doctor would prescribe an anti-depressant medication as a quick > fix. > > Our daughter does not appear to be really happy. When she talks about > some things she uses terms like hate and makes negative comments. She is > incredibly talented in the arts and has a strong head on her shoulders. > Her New York school she dreamed of attending after high school, fell out > of reach, due to our finances. > > I wish we could give her the financial support we raised her believing > would be there for her, make her feel better about herself, help her lose > the 100 lbs she needs to, and life would be focused on her many wonderful > talents. Her weight scares me, because i know bad things can happen from > excess fat and so, i fear. She had an injured knee from a car accident 3 > years ago, while her husband was driving, that still hurts her too. > > I have read many good bits of advice from several of you on different > issues, so what would you advise to help our dear daughter? thank you > for sharing your thoughts. > > patti cg 16 > > On Jan 16, 2010, at 12:59 PM, rayilynlee wrote: > >> I've had an unusual situation. Last week I had arranged for help from a >> local agency when my neighbor, Teresa, a widow, came to see me because >> she had gotten my Cox bill by mistake. I don't really know her too well >> as we met at the local WaMu bank where she was a bank officer who >> realized we were neighbors. Since retiring a couple of years ago she >> has spent a good amount of time in her native Bolivia. Anyway, she >> wanted the job when I told her I was in the process of changing my help. >> This could be a plus for us both - I would have help close by and she >> wouldn't have to drive to part-time work. Also it would be a lot >> cheaper for me. Her daughter who has 3 kids is in process of divorce >> and going back to school to become a nurse needs money and will most >> likely do the heavy cleaning and cut my hair. Sure hope it works out. >> >> Kathy took it well and I think she realized that never knowing when she >> was coming to work was not acceptable long term. The agency was nice >> too. >> >> Many thanks to all of you who offered advice and comments. You gave me >> the support and spunk I needed to make this change. >> >> Ray >> >> Rayilyn Brown >> Past Director AZNPF >> Arizona Chapter National Parkinson Foundation >> >> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >> To sign-off Parkinsn send a message to: >> mailto:[log in to unmask] >> In the body of the message put: signoff parkinsn > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > To sign-off Parkinsn send a message to: > mailto:[log in to unmask] > In the body of the message put: signoff parkinsn ---------------------------------------------------------------------- To sign-off Parkinsn send a message to: mailto:[log in to unmask] In the body of the message put: signoff parkinsn