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Well written and very thought provoking Sam! Thanks for sharing it... Nic 58/16 On 24 March 2010 19:07, kbachn <[log in to unmask]> wrote: > Below is a personal essay I recently wrote, people seem to like it and some > suggested it be posted. So here it is .... > > > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > > > Surely you can step twice in the same "river" ...but > > > > By Nguyen V.K. © > > [log in to unmask] > > > > "You should go" my brother said "You have Parkinson's. If you don't go now, > you may never get to go" > > > > My other siblings often asked why I have not gone back to Vietnam, the > country of my birth, the country that I left 30 plus years ago as an eleven > year old. Especially the one sister who still lives in Vietnam, after > hearing about my numerous trips to many other parts of the world "How come > you go everywhere but never come back to Viet Nam for a visit?". > > > > "I will, sis. Someday, I definitely have to go back" I promised. To be > blunt, I don't know why I haven't gone back. Most Vietnamese living abroad > love to go back, like an annual pilgrimage to the motherland. Some go back > to look for a wife, some go back to behave as sex tourists, some go back to > take their foreign-born children to discover their ancestral roots, some > return to open businesses, or simply to see their loved ones. Whatever > reasons - most have gone back since the Vietnamese govt started welcoming > the "Viet Kieu", literally means "Overseas Vietnamese", and their remittance > wealth. > > > > I have a brother-in-law who never wants to go back either, but he has his > reasons, he fought in the war for the South Vietnamese Army, the side that > "lost". So either out of pride of having to meet that faceless victor or > simply a personal vow, he never wants to go back. But I'm different, > what's my reason for avoiding a return to my roots? I wondered myself for > that lack of desire. Have I turned "banana", yellow outside and white > inside as a lot of Asians joke among themselves. "No" is the conclusion > upon my brief but decisive self-examination. I still speak Vietnamese > perfectly, still listen to its music, still pay attention to whatever > success and fame the Vietnamese community brought forth just for the sake of > ethnocentricity (a false belief that seems to be infecting every immigrant > community). I even intuited that my ambivalence towards going back to > Vietnam could be the psychological dread of having been a boat person. May > be I've been masking that dread with the natural resiliency (or ignorance) > of youth. Unlike a war trauma, wherein the sufferers have to endure > re-living of the experience; if you survive the boating voyage, things > always look better. The boating experience is usually comprised of - > confronting the forces of nature with feebly empowered engines, shortage of > food & water, plus limited if any navigational experience of the crew, > thrown in with the occasional sightings of pirates etc. But if you make it > to land - the future is brighter, you get to re-locate somewhere in the > first world, you become a landed immigrant, you have a chance to pursue an > education, a job opportunity. > > > > I just have to re-live that past dread of fearing the unknown before having > to go on to face the next dread - the likely horrific conditions associated > with a chronically worsening disease. Like a Karma circle, life does repeat > itself - but in different forms, except that one does not even have to go > through death to see life repeating itself. What I'm going through with > Parkinson's is also like what I went through as a boat person - fear, > uncertainty, unknown future. Thus I decided to make my return to Viet Nam. > > > > So this year I will take an Asian cruise that I carefully selected, one > that has the most stopovers in Vietnam. I thought that I must step in the > same-yet-different river all over again to reminisce the survival of the > first crossing and let it be an encouragement to my now second crossing of > this river of fear. Thirty years ago, I was on an overcrowded wooden > boat. In a month from now, barring any mishaps, I'll be on a luxurious > cruise ship. > > > > What a difference 30 year period can make. I can't wait to experience the > feelings of being in the same waters in two diametrically opposing sets of > circumstances. Hopefully only then will I understand the meaning behind the > Greek philosopher Heraclitus' quote from 2500 yrs ago "No man can ever step > in the same river twice". A popular quote first heard in Philo 101 but of > which I always failed to fully appreciate over the years. > > > > This one and the other quote "There's nothing good or bad, but thinking > makes it so" by that great 16th century British playwright always gave me a > headache back in my early education (imagine an immigrant youth with broken > English having to grasp the meaning of Shakespeare). > > > > Will I be able to experience life behind these abstract thoughts? > Absolutely not, because Life is meant to be "lived". More likely the > saying "Enjoy what you can and Endure what you must" may ring truer to life. > Different times bring about different conditions and situations, nothing is > good or bad but living makes it so. As I might be indulging in the opulence > and excess of a cruise with my rigor mortis-like health conditions now Or > back then, enduring the perils of the seas and facing uncertain future with > inspiring courage and hope. > > > > Indeed for it's not the same river and I'm not the same man. > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > To sign-off Parkinsn send a message to: mailto: > [log in to unmask] > In the body of the message put: signoff parkinsn > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- To sign-off Parkinsn send a message to: mailto:[log in to unmask] In the body of the message put: signoff parkinsn