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I saw the Prime Time special last night and after crying for a while, I decided to write this "open letter to you". I realize this isn't the "alt.GOD newsgroup" but I decided that you or anyone else may be able to respond and give me something to keep me going another day. Those "frozen addicts were a lot worse than me...I cry just thinking back to seeing their struggles and wish that a cure will be found soon. I'm 37 and and too young to have PD. I'm not brave and I'm tired of being a "fighter". I miss being able to play music (I did enjoy it for almost 24 years); the loss, however, feels unbearable at times. My driving is slowly going, too. I'm getting to the place where family and friends are starting to make offers of "David, when your PD gets so bad that you can no longer take care of yourself..". I don't want someone to have to feed me or help me struggle out of my clothes at night. I wet myself earlier this month and was too embarrased to tell anyone till now. I couldn't get my key in the door and I couldn't grab my zipper with either hand. Was this a lesson in humility?....my standing on my front porch peeing on myself with tears of frustration running down my face? If not, it was a powerful statement anyway. I bought several cans of Progresso heat-em-and-eat-em fava beans yesterday and ate them hoping I would get Sinemet-type relief from the "Kinesia brothers" (Dys and Brady). It's hard for me to prepare food,clean my apartment, shave and brush my teeth...but the most difficult thingis that I'm pulling away from everybody (as a lot of folks with PD tend to do). I think about the alternative to living with PD and sometmes it doesn't sound so bad....this scares me. I've embraced life before but now my days are getting to be a nightmare of medications, side-effects, and physical (and mental) struggles with little spots where I feel some relief. I no longer associate any particular sensation with the word "normal". KAISER (S. Rafael) wants to talk to me 7/31 about possible pallidotomy. I don't want relief from "a symptom" while the disease continues. I want my substantia nigra back.....in the worst way. Where can I get fetal-cell-transplant surgery? Georgia? Where? How much? I figure any monetary amount is a small price to pay to relieve me of the mental and physical hell I experience daily. Sometimes, the Dyskinesia feels like my body is trying to pull itself apart and sometimes my mind exhibits the same behavior. I read the letters from people who respond great to the various forms of sinemet, tai-chi, religious conviction, dietary changes,, and I think "I bet they're not going through this alone". Please dont fault me for being so weak,, I'm trying hard every day and doing the best I can. Thanks for listening. David "shaking and baking in Northern California"