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David, I've been reading with interest your "open letter" as well as the responses you've been receiving (did you strike a chord or what?) and feel compelled to jump in with my two cents' worth. I don't want to come across as a Pollyanna, since like all of us, I've experienced the same fellings of hopelessness and desperation you wrote about, but since I've been wrestling with this particular demon for ten years, I feel I've gained a few insights worth sharing. When I was first diagnosed I shared some of my fears for the future with a priest I admired and respected. He pointed out that I was doing all right now and would probably continue for the immediate future, so why should I spoil that time by worrying? Instead, I should try to get the most from each day. My experience with Al-anon had taught me to live one day at a time, so I just applied that philosophy to my new situation. It's worked pretty well; the only time I get depressed is when I start worrying about what's down the road. Instead, I concentrate on what hope to accomplish today. When I have a negative experience like yours, I try to put it in perspective and say "Today wasn't so great but tomorrow may be better." Then I work to make it better. Betty Rollins said one result of her cancer was that she gave better presents. I do that, too - not only material things, but kind words that can brighten someone's day. I wasn't in the habit of doing that before, so it takes a conscious effort, but it's worth it. A friend advised me to be very good to myself, also, and I've followed that advice. I've taken trips and bought things that give me pleasure when I would have postponed them before. Why wait? An ironic footnote to all this is that I had people commiserate with me when I was first diagnosed who are no longer around. We never know what's lurking around the corner; we just have to make the most of here and now. I didn't realize until I read Alan Bonander's message to you that you were the handsome young man at the D.C. Forum. You don't look like someone who would lack for companionship, although as Alan said, you may have to cultivate new friends who can understand what you're going through. Single people have more challenges to overcome than those of us with helpmates, but even spouses often lack the patience and understanding we require. It's no picnic either way. Think of the people you've met who can serve as role models for us all: the "pallidotomy queen" who, along with others, has had the courage to undergo the surgery that has helped her; Beverly Steward, who probably gets the reward for longest survivor and still jets around the country; Wendy Tebay, who's searching for the cause of this scourge and will probably find it; Jim Cordy, who won't take no for answer on the Udall bill, and Alan Bonander, who's not afraid to share his own embarrassing moments and can even turn incontinence into a positive experience! These and many others are experiencing the same things you are. My personal source of inspiration has been Joan Samuelson because she's refused to accept her fate without fighting back, and she has the political knowledge and savvy to do something about it. If the Udall bill didn't exist we'd have to invent it, just to give us a cause to rally around. It's a ray of hope we wouldn't otherwise have, and we owe it to ourselves to give it our best shot. I also like to listen to those professionals, like Dr. Liberman, who tell us the cure for this disease is just around the corner. Their optimism keeps me going. You've been receiving lots of advice from many different people. Take what you can use and go with it. We're with you. Pat Schark