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MaryEllen, Have you ever read anything about codependency. Most of what you see is relating to "caregivers" of people with drug and alcohol problems. Anyway what it is all about is that you cannot make someone else do something they don't want to do and you have no responsibility to do so. Sounds easy enough doesn't it. Of course when you love someone and you see them heading full speed toward disaster this is not so easy. I think you just have to keep letting them know you are there and that you love them and have alot of heart to heart talks with God. I'm sure there is alot more to it than that and maybe you and your husband and in-laws (including the parents if they are willing) should join a co-dependency group because you need to develop the tools to deal with the problem so that it doesn't rule your life. My prayers are with you because I know how hard it can be to deal with difficult parents. By the way it doesn't surprise me at all to hear that your mother in law will listen to you before her own children, my parents are exactly the same way. It is very hurtful to the children. Whenever I see my family heading into that type of situation I pray very hard that God will give me whatever it takes to not become bitter about it-it's not easy. Nancy Walker [log in to unmask] >Edward, thanks for your suggestions about the caregivers books. I am >ordering them tomorrow. Regarding my mother-in-laws' caregiver-over the >top status: I can see myself in the same situation--we are much alike. >What is the secret of 'being there' without being intrusive? We--my >hisband and 2 sisters-in-law all are supportive, but we don't know\have the >key to being truly helpful without incurring negativity/rejection. At >least I, as daughter-in-law don't have the "child" tapes the others do. >She seems at least to listen to me (??) Nevertheless, it is very hard to >listen to the constant negatives "we can't do that" We all love them both >much. It is very hard to wait until a true emergency or degeneration into a cri > sis >appears, but each of us know how they value their independence and >their own resourcefulness. >Really appreciate the feedback and experiences of all of you on the list. >it is truly a resource and a support group to be proud of. >Love (and I mean it), >Maryellen in Omaha >[log in to unmask] > >