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What follows is not meant to frighten. It is how I work through some of my problems and cope with fear. I have been in the habit of reading these letters a few days or weeks later, then destroying them. Thought I'd send it here this time. It cannot happen to me. It is something that happens to other people. It won't happen to me, I've already got my share of problems. A pill you say? For the rest of my life? How may times a day! It's not fair! Alright, I'll take the pills (maybe they won't work). The pills worked. Maybe there was a mistake. Maybe I answered yes to some of the questions when I should have said no. Maybe I said something that made the doctor think he had the right answer. What if I really don't have this and the pills cause some damage?. But the pills did help and I feel much better. This is not so bad. I can live with this. I was busy doing something I enjoyed. I forgot all about the pills. What's happening to me! I could do this a second ago. Now my hands are moving a little slower and I'm hitting the wrong keys! I'll try harder, that's all that's needed. See, everything is fine. Wait, they're moving slower still! Somebody help me! It's slowly draining away and I can't make it stop. I can't hold on to it! Strength, energy, and control are slowly leaching away. Tears. A sense of loss, hopelessness, and failure. Was it really this bad before the pills? How long did they say it takes, a half hour or so? Has it been a half hour? Slowly, oh so slowly, the energy, the strength, and the control ooze back as though from a reluctant source. It's gone, for now. But, it's still there, waiting. This new monster is waiting for me to slip so it can again drain away the control that, until now, I've taken so much for granted. I'm going to do my best make it wait, a very.... long.... time. Part of the above happened one night not long ago. I had been told that depression was a part of PD. I thought I knew what depression was. I was wrong and I think I have yet to find out. I've been told that I may lose this battle. Fine. I've fought other battles. Some I've won, others I've lost. I have hope, love, and a stubborn streak. I can't lose. Perhaps I've already won! --<--<@ @>-,-`-- [log in to unmask] http://rampages.onramp.net/~mgiles/