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Hello, Alan and PD list,
I happened to notice your message of Jan. 18 among the many I we all =
receive. I was diagnosed with PD in 1988 at age 45 and struggle with =
many of the symptoms you describe including foot cramps. Since you are =
in southern California, where I understand the local culture supports =
alternative therapies more than here in the East, I will venture that =
you may not dismiss what I am about to say. What I have done has helped =
me TREMENDOUSLY. =20
It has been recognized for some time that depression and heightened =
emotional responses go along with PD. I decided even before diagnosis =
that I was depressed and began counseling therapy. I also noticed that =
my symptoms seemed less in the long term after dealing with emotional =
issues. I recognized that I was seriously codependent (see Melodie =
Beattie, Co-Dependent No More) but ignore the references to alcoholism, =
which is a way of numbing the pain of codependency. I joined =
CoDependents Anonymous and continued counseling therapy. My symptoms =
have continued to improve as I have come to grips with my realities and =
began to care for myself emotionally. As a child I had learned to stuff =
my feelings and could not show anger or cry. I can see now that denying =
feelings did not make them go away--they were there all the while in the =
lymbic and/or 'gut' brain referred to by Alan Bonander recently in this =
mail list. My therapists now agree that while I have a ways to go, my =
symptoms may all but disappear in a couple more years. A major thing I =
have learned is that I was so concerned about what others felt and =
expected of me that I didn't know what I needed and wanted or said it =
was unimportant. I have since realized that I am important, and that =
one can be 'nice' to a fault and with serious consequences. =20
The road has been anything but easy, but with the success I have had =
I cannot dismiss it. I first took klonopin to relieve panic attacks, as =
I described the leg and foot cramps which came with intense anxiety, =
fear, heavy breathing, and even sweating. These are the symtoms of =
panic attacks, I believe. This also describes post-traumatic stress =
disorder. =20
It is my belief that early childhood trauma--probably before the =
thinking 'head' brain developed--is remembered by the 'gut' brain which =
is trying to express and heal itself. Recent research has shown that =
childhood trauma can permanently alter brain chemistry. I believe that =
some unknown trauma in many of us with PD caused the chemical changes =
that resulted in killing substantia nigra cells, which provide part of =
the link between the thinking and reptilian or feeling brains as a means =
of self preservation. I see 'freezing' episodes as forms of =
dissociation once used by the CNS for self preservation. The shaking is =
from a deep well of fear or even terror with unknown origin. =20
I have gone way out on a limb with much of this, but the pieces have =
some support--the limb is the way I have put them together. I would =
greatly appreciate hearing from anyone who thinks, or especially who =
feels in their gut that this makes sense. If you experience a kind of =
mental 'a-ha' and even a brief moment of greater wholeness and less =
anxiety on reading this; or if the idea is terrifying to read or think =
about, it has struck a responsive chord not of my doing. I would like =
to hear from you. =20
=20
Very best wishes,
Rich Morelli
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