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I want to warn you, this is a trip into depression. It started when I came home and found my car was missing. I had not driven it because the driver's seat had collapsed and I could no longer get out of it. The car was ordered towed by the apartment management as inoperable (yes, I had let the inspection and plates expire). The car is ten years old and what with and new battery, storage, new seat, cost of getting it out of the pound, the car would cost more than I could get for it in trade. So, I had pretty much descided to let it go. I woke up this morning and realized that with the car went a big chunk of my independance. True, we have a van that is doing fine, but I cannot get into or out of it by myself (I can drive it once I'm in it). The thing is that I now have to depend on others to get to work and home again. I am less mobil, less independant. It felt too much like when I lost the ability to walk 40 odd years ago. The slide into the pits of depression was rapid and sudden. I started feeling less valuable, less whole, less able. If I could not "do" for myself, why continue to try? Why live? I began wishing I could just give it all up and crawl into somewhere dark and warm where there was no more pain, shaking, pills, dependance, lack of ability to do things. Toward the end I was mumbling about giving up and dying. What pulled me out of it? Two things. Kristen, my wife, said she needed me. Second, there is this part of me that just won't let me quit. This part of me just won't let me stop trying. So I'm still in there swinging. I running on a few less cylinders but I'm still functioning. Perhaps, maybe, there is indeed more than one reason for continuing to try. Kristen, cats, friends, and things I can still do. So I'm still here. A little more frayed around the edges, a little more in tune with what's "real", and still marveling at that stuborn little spark that has once again taken me by the whatsis and said "You will not stop trying, you will not give up. I won't let you". A rather shaken, Marvin [log in to unmask] http://rampages.onramp.net/~mgiles/