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General Motors doesn't have a HELPLINE for people who don't know how to drive because people don't buy cars the way they buy computers -- but imagine if they did. HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened." HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?" CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?" HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?" *************************************** HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere." HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?" CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do l know?" HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?" CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'." HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'." CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'." HELPLINE: "A'V'?" CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E' then a 'V' followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..." HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about." CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thing -- is that the round thing that honks the horn?" HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things." CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?" HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you." CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" *************************************** HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!" HELPLINE: "What's wrong?" CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong" HELPLINE: "What were you doing?" CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even start up!" HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product." CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did -- now the damn thing's crashed." HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?" CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did. I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and a didn't work!" HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?" CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?" HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator." CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know." HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?" CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!" *************************************** HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?" CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?" CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!" *************************************** Regards, Alan Bonander