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Thank you, Barbara, for this important view of marriage and chronic diseases from another perspective. I've "been there" myself and I'd agree that it is important to think of the dynamics of marriage and the challenges it presents to humankind. Divorce is incredibly and exquisitely painful and any insight we can gain on the reasons for failure in marriage is important knowledge for us all. If y you've not been there already, well it's inevitable that you or a loved one WILL one day. There's one thing we can count on in life and that is change. It might be disease and it might be divorce:any way you cut it, much of the change we experience in life will be imposed on us. Thank you Barbara for your compassionate and well-written comments. On Sun, 5 May 1996, Barbara Mallut wrote: > WAAAAAAAAIT! First a very brief resume: I've been divorced, after a 20 year > marriage, for 13 years. And to this day, I think my "ex' was and is a jerk. > We didn't divorce 'cause of the PD as no one knew I had it then. I had > "something," but it was as yet undiagnosed. > > THAT said, in defense of men, (and with no malice towards Donna), PLEASE, > PLEASE, PLEASE consider that we ALL bring a lot of our own personal > ditrious...garbage... into a marriage. AND we add to it over the ensuing > years. A failed marriage is NOT caused by one of the partners, ONLY. It > takes TWO to do that. Of course, it's possible that one may contribute more > than the other to the decline of a relationship, but, none the less, it still > takes BOTH partners working together to both build AND tear down the > foundation upon which a marriage is built. > > And another thing, which I believe we all... EVERYONE living with a chronic > illness... must consider. SURE we vowed, when we were young and healthy, to > "love, honor and cherish, in sickness and in health," but the reality of the > thing is that I'd be willing to bet ya that not a one of us at THAT time could > ever in their wildest dreams could picture just what it'd be like to be not > only the marriage partner, but also the caregiver, to someone with a > debilitating, chronic disease! > > Tell ya what... as delightful, bright, pretty, charming, witty, and talanted > as woman as I am <grinning and faking a modest blush>, had I been a man deeply > in love with ME way back then, and had I been able to see into the future and > get a clear picture of "Barb-as-a-person-living-with-and-suffering-from > Parkinson's Disease," I'd have said, "thanks, but no thanks." > > We each are unique individuals, and there are very few true saints in this > world. To expect someone who's in an unhappy marriage to continue to remain > in that miserable state in order that WE may still have a modicom of support > and to take care of US is not only very one-sided, but also quite selfish, in > my opinion. And that stands even IF we personally would be so selfless as to > remain in the relationship and care for our chronically ill spouse. > > And, by the way, it's not at ALL uncommon for those of us who're the victim of > a chronic disease to become totally self involved, to the extent that our > partners are treated with less consideration than our cat or dog. As Forum > Manager of the "Chronic DIsease & Disorders Forum," on The Microsoft Netwwork, > I see THAT all the time! > > This is NOT meant to stop any of you from espressing sympathy and/or empathy > to Donna. But I suggest it not be given at the expense of her > soon-to-be-ex-husband. None of us know what the interpersonal dynamics of > their marriage was like at all. Support should be just that.. and not be a > bashing session against a person who may NOT be a reluctant caregiver, but > merely an unhappily married fellow. > > Donna is going thru the feelings and emotions we all - those of us who faced a > divorce after a near-lifetime of marriage - have felt, whether we wanted that > seperation of not. She's going to be bitter and angry, AND fearful, as well. > Having a chronic disease under those circumstances merely enhances each of > those negative feelings. > > A BIG warm huggle to you, Donna. I've "been there, done that," and there's > good news: There IS "life" after "divorce-as-a-Parkie", and it CAN be filled > with wonderful people, good times, and hope for a decent future. That ain't > gonna happen tomorrow, but it CAN happen if YOU determine it will. > > Barb Mallut, > [log in to unmask] > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ---------- > From: Parkinson's Disease - Information Exchange Network on behalf of > [log in to unmask] > Sent: Sunday, May 05, 1996 3:13 PM > To: Multiple recipients of list PARKINSN > Subject: Re: Looking for gals in the same Boat (SINKING) > > >Subj: Re: Looking for gals in the same Boat (SINKING) > >Date: 96-05-05 13:40:51 EDT > >From: [log in to unmask] > > >Hello Donna, > > > >No one likes to see a divorce much less participate in one. I can't and > >won't comment on the possible reasons for divorce. I will paint a very dark > >picture in hopes to shock you into reality. I realize you are hurting much > or > >you would not have opened up your heart to us as you did. > > > >Chronic illness causes many changes in family dynamics. The two of the most > >severe adverse reactions are suicide and divorce. Neither need be fatal if > >caught early enough. My advise is to seek counseling at your church, > medical > >facility, where ever. It is not good enough for just one of you to attend, > >you both need to seek counseling. At the same time you should be talking to > >a lawyer. This should not be the same lawyer as your husband uses. I > would > >suggest a female lawyer as she may better see your side. There are many > >issues in divorce, but some of the issues I've seen faced by young mothers > >with PD are real shockers. (1) If you have raised the family while your > >husband has provided the income (a) you will lose access to his health > >insurance (b) you may not have worked sufficient quarters and at proper > level > >to get social security benefits (c) because of your PD and other > >considerations he may have you declared as incompetent to raise your > >children, assuming there still are minors. (2) I think that is enough to > set > >your wheels in motion. > > > >I know a lady in the southeastern part of the US who recently went through > >what you are facing. I will send her name and phone number to you on > private > >Email. > > > >Above all, remember to hold your head high. Your are an important, > >worthwhile person. Your rights are at least equal to his. I hope counseling > >can resolve the issues. I would still talk to a lawyer, if for no other > >reason than to build your confidence in yourself. > > > >Regards, > >Alan Bonander > > > >PSS: For those of you who think I may kicking Donna when she is down. The > >issues are big and the consequences can be enormous. This is not the time > to > >be passive; you can still show compassion, but don't be passive > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------- > I never cease t be amazed at the lack of feeling, empathy, compassion, and > support men (save me) can exhibit. > I am totally in agreement with Alan Bonander on this. You have my complete > moral support and hope you get proper satisfaction and eventual peace of > mind. You'll just have to accept that many people (and many men) are rotten, > though being a care giver can be most difficult at times, as I well know, but > the alternative is far worse (at least in my case). > Remember that there are lots of good people in your corner. The best to you. > > Michel >