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i had not checked my mail in so long there were 300+ messages today. i had to skim them, then erase and start anew. I have been working so hard keeping my owqn life together. But the realities of my mother and her illness are constantly with me and today a phone call along with an upcoming visit to her bring back the pains and fears. i guess i am feeling incredibly helpless. in the past this group has shown me that there are all sorts of people who actually can relate. it seems like at least a year since she has slept a night. she has much cramping, pain, discomfort. she has been trying clozaril but it doesn't seem too helpful. they give her benadryl most lately, for sleep. not of help. Dr. Waters at USC was hoping she mite be a candidate for the Pallidotomy. Dr. Sutton at Kaiser seemed to think she isn't because she has had hallucintions in the past. In an attempt to get a third opinion, an MRI has been done. And now I hear they can see she has had strokes and has some atrophy of the brain. what this all means and how/if the two are connected is confusing. with all of the terrible times she has been having this year it terrifies me to think she may have had a stroke right in front of me and i didn't even know it was happening. so many symptoms, so confusing. she just about never seems comfortable. they hire 24 hour care and i know it is breaking my father both physically, emotionally and potentially financially. the caregivers have a very difficult job as she is constantly wanting massage and manipulation to ease the cramping and whatever discomfort she is feeling. as her daughter i want so much to help but i am also afraid. thanks for listening, just needed to get something out. [log in to unmask]