Print

---

My thanks to all of you who have responded to my post last week on Body/Mind
healing. I have had some inquiries about myself, my credentials and my
connection to Parkinsonism so I thought I would post another message and
answer some questions. I warn you it is a long one.

Professionally I am a licensed psychotherapist in private practise in Los
Angeles, CA. Have been for 5 years. If you read the post last week you have
and idea of how I work so I won't bother you all with that. I can cover the
personal and the connection to Parkinsonism by saying that I am 42, divorced,
the mother of a wonderful 19 year old young man, and completely in love with
a man who is challenged by Parkinsons. I am not going to go into his story,
that is up to him. I will just say that meeting him and loving him has been
an incredible blessing to me. We met long after his diagnosis so Parkinsons
is part of the being of our bond. It is what is. That's all. I don't want to
cure him and foster no illusions that I could. I am just not that arrogant.
Plus, and more importantly, he is fine the way he is. He is perfect the way
he is. If he finds a cure for himself that is wonderful and I support all of
his efforts toward health and healing at every level. But it isn't important
to my loving him. I just do. He is a teacher for me in very important ways
and I deeply respect him and how he has chosen to relate to this 'gift' (yes
he considers it a gift). I couldn't be more happy or more grateful.

Stephen Levine, an author and lecturer on Living and Dying, speaks of
'keeping our hearts open in hell'. I think there is a lesson here for all of
us, not just those impacted by a diagnosed malady. We all have things in our
histories, in our relationships, and in our bodies which can easily move us
to close down and try very hard not to feel. To block off parts of ourselves
in an attempt to never feel 'that' again. To establish areas of protection
which will supposedly keep us safe. Unfortunately all these efforts ever
succeed in doing is keeping us alone. Keeping us separated and isolated from
the love and connection and richness that is present only when our hearts are
open and we are willing to risk feeling. When we are willing to stay
connected to another or others even when it is very, very, frightening to do
so.

I think for PWP this is compounded by the feelings associated with the
external symtomatology which if not shared and let go of can lead to feelings
of shame and self hate. A lot of the time we don't want to talk about those
things which cause us to feel humiliated, out of control, ashamed, weak,
helpless...all of those 'shadow feelings' as Jung called them. Feelings that
we would prefer to just put away and never acknowledge in hopes that in doing
so they will cease to exist. This can work for a time and if life chooses to
let us off the hook and not put any bumps in our paths can work well for a
long time. I have never personally met anyone like that but in my line of
work that isn't surprising is it? : ) If we aren't one of those so blessed,
we go cruising along at top speed and hit a bump, land on the side of the
road and have to just sit there until we can go again if we can go again. It
is during these times that we end up coming face to face with the 'shadow
feelings'. We are in a more open, vulnerable place and may just not have it
in us to put them away like before. So there we are...and there they
are...and what to do now?

This is where support groups like the ones I have read about on the list are
so wonderful. These feelings need to be allowed into the light of day. To be
seen and felt and heard and expressed and shared. To be allowed into the
total experience of what life is NOW, WITH this disease, and then to help
PWP's come to some peace with it and see what is at least ok in it. The 'ok'
bits might just mean that you have more time for the loves in your life
because you aren't working as much. Or that you never tasted corn flakes
before because you used to chew so darn fast and now you can't. Or that
orange is the most amazing color and you have never taken the time to see it
before. I said to my lover the other day that if he travelled in my
meditation circles they would probably think he was a very advanced
practioner because of the attention and deliberation of his movements. Very
Zen. :)

I know this has been long and windy and if it offends anyone I deeply
apologize. My intention is to share, and support and let you know that those
who share your lives with you , and love you are here. Not to fix, or judge,
or pity. Just to love you and help in any way you will let us.

In love and healing,
Stephanie