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Debby H.... With a sense of frustration, I've been thinking about your message since it popped up in yesterday's email, Debby. I couldn't initially put my finger on what bothered me... but now I've concluded, it's the fact that the message exhibited a certain "innocence" of what being "single" really IS in today' s world. You commented: I think having Parkinsons does not mean it's impossible to meet a special person who would be willing to handle the good and the bad. Love really can conquer all. Frankly, Debby, for me, it's always been pretty easy to meet and date nice, thoughtful men who weren't put off by my having a chronic degenerative movement disorder. And that's eventully how I'd have to explain it, because other than most knowing that "old people got PD and they shook," not a one had a clue what the disease was REALLY like (but then did any of US know till WE had it?). But it's more than someone "willing to handle the good and the bad," and "love conquering all," Debby, much, much more. At my age, 54, and the ages of most of the men I date (usually from about 48 to about 62-ish), willingness to cope and love are NOT all it takes to make a "go" of a relationship and/or marriage. THAT makes for a nice romance novel like you'd pick up when ya do your marketing... But we're not dealing with a novel... this is "real life." "Real life" means that once you get to meet someone with whom there's a mutual "chemistry," and you see each other enough times and do enough things together to build a mutual history, you get to the place where you DO have a "relationship." THAT'S the point where the reality of being with an individual who has a chronic disease begins to seep thru. That's also the point where economics start to rear it's ugly head in many instances, 'cause it ain't cheap supporting someone who has a chronic disease, and believe me, at SOME time in a courtship, the "well partner" IS going to mull over the possible economic repurcussions of having a partner - however beloved - who lives with a chronic disease. There's also the family and friends of the "well partner" working on them out of concern that they might end up saddling themself with a person who's potentially going to be severely handicapped. That is not something that family takes lightly. Then there's the sexual aspect of this fledgling relationship-hoping-to-become-a-marriage. Once the thrill of "newness" wears of, and it WILL eventually bow to time as all things must, at the very instance when couples have to then become a bit more creative in thier lovemaking in order to keep the interest and the passion flowing, that chronically ill person is going to be feeling fatigue. It may very well be that the love AND the desire is still there, but the sheer ENERGY that it takes to systain a physical relationship is difficult, if not impossible to sustain for the chronically ill. The chronically ill need "doing for," such as grocery shopping, drug store runs, trips to the doctor, and a potentially endless list of other chores which are, in a relationship between two "well persons,"shared between them. However, when one partner has a chronic disease, that "chore sharing" almost always leans more in one direction than the other. And, as the partner with the chronic disease ages, the burden of chore doing and caregiving falls even more onto the shoulders of the other individual. And we're not even MENTIONING here about what happenas as the WELL partner begins to feel the inevitable "messages" that an aging body sends to THEM! When I go on a date with someone, ALL THAT goes thru my mind. I don't WANT to be a burden on some poor, unsuspecting man, who by virtue of the fact that he loves me (and I AM lovable <grin>) feels he's able as well as willing to take on a woman (lovable as she is...) who has a chronic disease. I live in fear and dread of being pitied by the man who might be my partner in love, who eventually might become my caretaker, nurse, and chauffer. And the stronger my feelings of love are for that man, the more I want to protect him from the Parkinson's....which means, I guess, from me. So Debby, I believe that as sweet as it sounds, the vision of a love so deep that is CAN conquer all is rather like the siren's song... exquistely beautiful, of extremely ellusive. I wish it were otherwise, because I AM tired of being single and am not afraid of love or loving itself. Barb Mallut [log in to unmask] ---------- From: PARKINSN: Parkinson's Disease - Information Exchange Network on behalf of Debby Hurlbert Sent: Monday, December 09, 1996 7:22 AM To: Multiple recipients of list PARKINSN Subject: Re: single PWPs I've been reading the comments on single PWPs and felt the urge to reply. I am fortunate enough to have a loving, supportive husband as a caregiver and honestly believe if we just met today he wouldn't hesitate to get involved with me because of my illness. Call me a Pollyanna but I think having Parkinsons does not mean it's impossible to meet a special person who would be willing to handle the good and the bad. Love really can conquer all. Debby [log in to unmask]