Cacaphony of Dissonance
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout
the place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence
among the possessors of this potential, including that
species of domestic rodent known as "Mus musculus". Hosiery
was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the
wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory
pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric
philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the
honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in
their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing
subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit
confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My
conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings,
were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal
darkness when upon the evenaceous exterior portion of the
grounds there ascended such a cacaphony of dissonance that I
felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of
repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source
thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers
sealing the fenestration, noting thereupon that the
lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface
of a recent crystalline precipitation might be said to rival
that of the solar meridian itself--thus permitting my
incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature
airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight dimunitive
specimens of the genus "Rangifer", piloted by a minuscule,
aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became
instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated
caller. With his ungulated motive power traveling at what
may possibly been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic
alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musi-
cally through contracted labia, and addressed each of the
octet by his or her respective cognomens--"Now Dasher, now
Dancer..." et al.--guiding them to the uppermost exterior
level of our abode, through which structure I could really
distinguish the concatanations of each of the 32 cloven
pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location,
and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished
visitant achieved--with utmost celerity and via a downward
leap--entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad
entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from
oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on
the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I
attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings
which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity,
while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evi-
dence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar
regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood
which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approxi-
mating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter
that of the "Prunus avium", or sweet cherry. His amusing
sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common
loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment
appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen
water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking
piece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his
occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of
holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he
waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undu-
lated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemis-
pherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less
than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical per-
ception of whom rended me visibly frolicsome despite every
effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and
then elevating the eyelid and rotating his head slightly to
one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was
groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced fil-
ling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the
aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his
aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth recep-
tacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt
about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtapo-
sition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward
in a posture of leave-taking and forthwith effected his
egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He
then propelled himself in a short vector onto his con-
veyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his
contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of bur-
den, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto
observable chiefly among seed-bearing portions of a common
weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible
immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
visibility: "Ecstatic yuletide to the planetary consti-
tuency, and to the selfsame assemblage, my sincerest wishes
for a salubriously beneficial and gratifying pleasurable
period between sunset and dawn."
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