Like all others, the business run by Mr. Parkinson has its share of useful
manoevers, known only to his various clients. Some of these I acquired
myself, but most of them were suggested, or hinted at, by our P.D.
associates. Please note that none of the following apply to the acronym
T.R.A.P.(Tremor, Rigidity,Akinesia, Posture): these are the primary symptoms
of Paarkinson's, and common to us all. Howwever there are hundreds, or maybe
thousands of secondary symptoms; we each have some share of them. I am
listing some of these symptoms as Gifts, in capital letters, together with
"How to Return to Sender". Please join me in this process by posting
suggestions you have for coping with these and other gifts from Mr.
Parkinson.
SLUSHY DICTION
Sing operatic arias;yell; shout something in the tub or in your
automobile with the windows up. pronouncing and enunciating very clearly.
SWALLOWING
Don't pass a water tap without taking TEN small sips or
swallows.
SHUFFLING AND/OR STUMBLING GAIT
Two suggestions: Walk to a 90-beat, singing a college fight
song, swinging your arms, be sure to use your heel and toe; or stand erect,
pull back your shoulders, clasp your hands and press them behind your lower
back, and go forward.
SYNDROME OF THE RESTLESS LEG
Take a quarter of your favorite pill about 15 minutes before
RLS starts, and go three to five minutes on a treadmill if your spouse
happily has one.
DRINKING SOUP
Place a tray on one of the plastic forms your computer
came in, and spoon the soup from less than 5 centimeters from your mouth.
Wear a bib.
DROOLING
Thus far it beats me. How about you?
DYSKINESIA
Hold a plate or glass made of Arcoroc (made in France)
or other similarly tinted blue glass and see the world through it for five,
ten or more minutes.
GETTING DRESSED
Take a year at ,say, M.I.T. and study the basics of
Newton's Laws of Motion and Force.
GETTING UNDRESSED
Another year at a good university, studying the
physics of falling bodies, or wear clothes which fall off without much effort
on your part.
URINATION
There are male and female hand-held urinals.
FALLING
Live in a tiny house or aprtment, where you are
always within reach of a wall, a sturdy, upright piece of furniture or
something solid to grab onto. Mr. Parkinson gives due warning for this, so
that the former athletes, when falling ,know how to fall.
SEX
Forget it.
SHAKING (SEVERE)
Raise arms high overhead; hold for one minute or
more.
A BED DEVICE
For a bed without a headboard or side rails,
prepare a five foot length of 2-by-4 by drilling a one inch hole a few inches
from either end. Through each hole secure a 224-inch piece of one inch
dowel. Place it across the spring and under the mattress of the bed about a
foot from the top. This is a great aid in turning and moving in bed and
works especially well with a Craftomatic bed.
SWOLLEN ANKLES AND LEGS
The aforementioned bed is a useful way to raise
the feet high and lessen the swelling. An even better method is to use,
jointly, elastic stockings with twenty minutes of ice packs throughout the
day. Refreezable cold packs are available at drug stores.
TURNING IN BED
This difficult act is aided by sewing on the
seat of your pajamas a big square of satin; match this square with another
square of satin sewn to your bottom sheet. Sliding is thus made much easier.
HANDWRITING
An illegible script is improved by printing
over it block letters.
MOTION HESITATION
When a football quarterback calls signals from
the shotgun formation, he often gives a kick with his foot to indicate that
he is ready to receive a pass from the center. I have found that this same
kick puts and end to motion hesitation.
DRY MOUTH
Drink water; suck ice.
BALANCE
Sing any song at a beat and go forward.
WALKING BACKWARD
Never take a step backwards, for it will surely
lead you into a fall.
BREATHING
Turn the other cheek.
STOOPING
Look in the mirror when you brush your teeth,
then straigten your back.
SLEEP
Get as much as you can, night and day.
CONSTIPATION
Eat sauerkraut and/or prunes.
FOOT AND LEG CRAMPS
Use NuSalt (potassium chloride) in place of regular
saalt (sodium chloride), available in health food stores and some
supermarkets.
What else?
Regards
Sam Kalkstein a..k.a.Abakalk
