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Dear Ruth: Do I envy you and wish that my wife could see it your way. I am so happy for you because I know what it can do to a family. Keep your spirit up. Henry Gutttetag Ruth Spielberger wrote: > > From: spielber > To: [log in to unmask] > Date: 01/23/97 20:48:36 > Message-Id: <[log in to unmask]> > Subject: Living > X-Mailer: NETCOMplete v3.20, from NETCOM On-Line Communications, Inc. > > Hi friends. I have been wanting to write, but since I am a > writer, it is very hard to just chat without trying to win the > Pulitzer prize. There are many times when I feel so isolated. > I'd love your support. I have learned so much from you. > > My name is Ruth. I am 53. I was 45 when I was diagnosed. My > daughter was five and my husband was forty-one. I was > terrified. My biggest fear was that I would be a burden to my > husband and child. I was depressed. I read everything I could > about Parkinson. I tried to convince the Neuro that I didn't > have PD. I started on Sinemet. We were living in the > Netherlands. We traveled all over the world Russia, Italy, > France, Greece. I continued to play tennis. I was always > feeling sorry for myself but I realize now that the books I was > reading and the fear of the future were causing me problems. My > life was going just great. I wish I has smiled more. > > I was sure that when we moved back to the states, the doctor in > America would find that this was a mistake. We moved to Houston. > Our daughter started kindergarten. We bought our dream house. > I had it all, a handsome husband and the life that I wanted. I > went to the best neurologist, expecting to hear that I did not > have Parkinson. He kept me waiting for two hours and then spent > only two minutes with me. He put me on Permax and charged me > three hundred dollars. > > I became determined to not have PD. I took the medicine when I > had a tennis game, aerobics class, or activity with my family. I > tried healing meditations, I read many books. I was hyper. I > changed doctors many times. The worse thing I did was take > valium when the sinimet wore off. I was feeling great or > terrible or drugged. > > One day I gave up. I was exhausted I let my husband take control. > He took me to another neurologist. I was given a schedule. My > husband set up a program on the computer. The alarm would go off > and the name of the medicine and the amount to take would be on > the screen. I was taken off valium, and was in bed for over two > months and still not doing well. I could not walk; I was in pain > and felt my life was over. I was afraid that I would have to go > to a nursing home. > > One day I looked in the mirror and saw a frail woman with a > crippled body. I looked like the people that I had seen at the > Parkinson support groups. That day I accepted reality, that I > had been acting awful. My family was suffering because I was > being so selfish. My daughter was confused by my changing moods. > I had been protecting her instead of including her. We told her > everything about Parkinson. I began letting her help me by > bringing medicine and helping with chores. She became a > delightful companion. Her sense of humor, her positive attitude, > and the young ideas she brings to my life are my miracle drugs. > > I started taking prozac which was an aid in acceptance but the > weight gain was terrible. I take one every other day, and I > exercise everyday with a senior citizen's group. Some of these > ladies are eighty. The exercises keep my muscles toned. I am > able to do everything. > > I still worry a lot about my husband, especially when I read one > of those beautiful articles written by a caretaker whose mate has > completely changed. The article always talks about the poor soul > whose life will never be the same because of Parkinson. I feel > guilty enough; I am sorry this happened. But marriage is for > better or worse. These articles give suggestions such as take > time away from your spouse to protect your sanity. It is hard to > have a normal relationship with a person that no longer takes > you seriously, blaming any behavior that is not pleasing to him > on drugs or disease. The truth is we have both changed a great > deal and would be adjusting to mid life problems anyway. > > I no longer feel sorry for myself. My housekeeping is sloppy, > but it always was. It is great to have an excuse. My cooking is > only for special occasions. I live one day at a time and when I > look back I am amazed that I have very few bad days. > > Ruth