Una --
I'll set the stage a bit. My parents live several hours' drive from both my sister and I, so we're familiar with the frustration you feel about being unable to contribute more. That's normal.... or at least I'm convincing myself that it is!
My parents, too, had to make the adjustment that you described, and my Dad is still (usually) able to get out of bed and dress himself. He never cooked for himself before PD, so he doesn't expect he should now. Actually, he's just moved into a nursing home (and enjoying the attention), so cooking isn't an issue anymore.
You're not a selfish daughter, and the resentment that you feel is the same that many of us do. It probably also frustrates your parents, since they dreamed (I assume) of having their girls grow up, settle down, and live their own lives. This unwelcome guest, PD, has moved in and changed all of those plans.
I found for a while that when I went home, Mom & Dad tried so hard to pretend "nothing has changed". When things got bad enough all responsibility for "doing" fell on me (or my sister). I think we looked at it as a good thing, since it gave Mom a break. (Mom had always "done for" Dad, so we just assumed that role on visits.)
I know exactly what you're saying about the un-restful use of your holiday time. My husband and I split our vacation time (holiday time) -- part with my parents, part with just us. Is this something that you could do? You need to take care of your own needs, too...and your partner's needs. (Do you have a copy of the caregiver's bill of rights? Consider asking Camilla Flintermann for information on the caregiver's network.)
Your mother needs to talk to someone about the criticisms that she has for your father, and she probably can't express them to anyone else. I know it's hard to take, but consider the good that you're doing for your mother. You've found this "family" to grumble to, or to share with. You're providing the same good thing for her. Don't take the criticisms to heart. Listen for the frustration she's telling you, not the words themselves.
Finally, your mother's need to tell you about her health is (to my mind anyway) quite reasonable. Her partner's health has upset their plans, their future, the "them" they had planned. Health is a tremendous focus in her life, since it has taken away something she dreamed about. She is seeking attention, and also reassurance. Just as you worry about your own future..... we all need someone to talk to!
Good luck.
Diane McHutchison
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Englishtown, NJ USA
Long-distance Caregiver for Dad (69/7+)
